As a child, running by a fence hitting it with a stick is fun...it makes noise, it irritates the neighbors, it's something you probably shouldn't do, but not so bad you get in severe trouble. But never as a child would you get that this picture could plague your mind in another way. Figuratively, as adults this is what we do to agitate the devil on the other side. I never thought of it this way until here recently. I'm walking down the path of life with everything seemingly going well. I have a great job, great relationships, a great child, great family, etc....but I feel myself running down that fence line with my stick stirring the devil on the other side. You know, the devil who waits for the perfect time where you are vulnerable. I may be rocking down the path of God, but I still have stressors in my life, which is natural. Well those stressors scream to the devil that it's perfect time to attempt his sabotage. My mind here recently has been flooded with thoughts, so many thoughts that I even appear distant to myself. I thought writing would help but when it came down to it, I had writers block....How in the hell do you get writers block when it's your own thoughts? I don't know. Well I've been trucking along this incredible path for sometime now. And I am loving every minute of it, but if you think I don't still have struggles, well then you are highly mistaken. Everyone needs to remember that the devil knows our biggest fears and weaknesses, and he will play on those things when you hit even the smallest of bumps on your road of life. I feel one of my greatest strengths is probably one of my biggest faults. I am a planner. I like to have my life mapped out several months in advance. Well when it comes to money, children, love, etc. that seems damn near impossible. As much as I want to know exactly what I'm going to do with my child over the summer and for the next school year, because I feel I should have that finalized by now, I can't. With an upcoming financial change I don't know exactly what I can do and until I hear from other people I'm on hold in those departments. Letting the ball be in other people's courts is the worst thing for a planner. I don't like asking for help...who does? I will bend over backwards to make things work for my child and everyone else who matters to me. But at the end of the day, no one goes to bed with my thoughts but me. Alone with my thoughts, my worries, my concerns. I mastered the "smile and nod" technique years ago. But pay attention to my voice. Pay attention to my eyes. Maybe my voice is not so peppy...do I look at you when we talk? Or when you ask if everything is going good? I will spend my days with pen to paper, calculating every possible scenario before I speak up. Again, don't get me wrong....I'm unbelievably happy with my life. God has blessed me beyond words. I received a text today stating "it's a new day." What that meant to that person meant much more to me. It is a new day, another day I made it. I'm weeks away from turning 27, and though that is young to most, it isn't for me. I love hearing older people say..."Don't rush it." "You're only 27." "You still have plenty of time." Blah blah blah...I'm turning 27, I'm a single mom to an almost 5 year old. I have been married, I have been divorced. I think sometimes people forget just exactly where I have been, where I want to go. Almost 27 or not I do know what I see for myself and in my book I'm not rushing it anymore...I was rushing it ten years ago. Again, alone in my thoughts.
