"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

So as we roll into another holiday season it never fails that life just gets bumpy.  I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, but it just seems that today and the few days passed life decided to wake me up a crappy hand.  I have separated from a family unit for sometime...this being my 3rd round of holidays where tradition is now totally different.  It never is easy, but some things just make it worse.  Now, it's not my sole decision to blast certain things about my life on the internet for the sake of my family, but we all know I am not perfect.  Well today, someone who I deal with regularly out of necessity jumped my case for his own pleasure.  I know this time of year probably isn't his favorite too, but we have to make the best of it...or at least try...well after being reamed I lost it like always.  What it boils down to is this person will never know how much I love them still and how much I care.  How much I just want them to be happy and how much I truly do appreciate everything they do for me and my child.  The person will never know the sense of guilt I wake up with every day and face every day.  And that each and every day is a new day for me to overcome such guilt.  A lot of people in my position have no guilt or remorse for certain decisions and those people make those of us who do have remorse and guilt pay dearly.  What not everyone seems to understand is that everyone is different and everyone makes mistakes...and everyone pays for it in their own time...and some of us actually kick ourselves in the butt regularly for choices we have made.  I just wanted to find happiness in life...that was the only reason why my choice was made...the mistake I made in the process makes that seem differently and I hate that...however, I can't spend the rest of my life proving to said person that I am sorry a million times over and I battle guilt and shame everyday...because everyday there is a reminder that the mistake I made was huge and inconsiderate...I always try to learn from my mistakes and I truly and honestly feel that I have...I can't force that person to see that...said person has to in their own time and their own way...I will rise above this and not let it tear me down each and every time I get jumped on...but being torn down to me is prove enough that there is a heart deep within me and that the blood it's pumping is not ice cold......I do my best, which some days I suck at, but I try not to throw people's lives in their face...after all it's our own lives and we make our own choices and we live with those choices and it is our own choice to learn from it or not...My life does not need to be thrown in my face to remember where I've been, where I come from and where I am...I know all on my own just what my path has been....One thing I know for sure is never say never, that I will always love and care for said person for more than one reason, that Raleigh is my life and I do everything I can to give her everything she needs and to have a good life without over spoiling her and that I will always remember where I come from and I will always be the one to kick my own butt...I need no help in that department, but thanks for making the offer...Just remember all who read this or all who don't....as soon as you point the finger at me, you're right I may be guilty of something, but so are you, as those three fingers are pointing back at you.....just some food for thought...

"If you didn't need a pill to get fat, why would you need one to get unfat? "

I know this pictures is crooked, but hopefully by the end of this blog you will get my point...at least I hope...This picture was taken at my heaviest...Awhile back I had posted about my weight loss journey and where I started...which by the way, posting my heaviest weight on a public site is never the easiest thing to do.....anyways...I started out my journey weighing in at 198.5 on November 9, 2009, wearing an extra large in shirts and size 16 in pants...awful I know.  We all know I tried every fad diet under the sun which I always ended up bailing on.  I never was one who enjoyed working out...in fact, my main form of exercise was maybe climbing the stairs at my parents or leaning over to grab the remote off the coffee table.   That's the honest truth!  Come January 2010 I had probably shed around 20 pounds and kept going until I had reached about thirty pounds lost.  After that, the only time I paid much attention to my weight was if I had to weigh at the doctor's office.  I was noticing that even though I was yet to reach my goal weight, I was still maintaining the weight I had lost.  That by itself was a big accomplishment...Then around August, my best friend and I decided we would look into a work out routine that we enjoyed...and we all know our favorite thing to do is...dance!!  So we found a place that held Zumba classes and we fell in love...In fact, we loved it so much that we figured why not get paid to do it so now we are Certified Zumba Instructors!  So about a month into Zumba I knew I was doing better but not doing as good as I could be in the weight loss department.  So my best friend and I talked about it and decided we would commit to weight watchers.  We have been going strong with the program for about six weeks and I am happy to announce that two years later I am a size 8, not 16, and my weight as of today is 152.2 for a total weight loss of......46.3 pounds!  I still have a few more pounds to go to reach my goal, but every day I am one step closer!  Look at me now!

"Every time you get angry, you poison your own system."

There comes a point in life when you should ask yourself if you have been angry long enough and if you remember why you are so angry in the first place.  If you are to the point that you can't even pin point the exact origin of said anger then being angry for long enough has been way too long....but if you can answer that and recognize what needs to be done then do it!  That doesn't say you necessarily are letting go of the situation but that you are letting go enough that you are bound by it any longer...I realized last October I was becoming very angry with the situation I was in, but wanted to fight to stay there thinking that would go away....come December things only took a turn for the worse; however, I didn't realize that December would only make the anger worse until months later....February came and life dropped an even bigger bomb shell and that is when I truly discovered how angry I was...which is somewhere I haven't been in a long time and for good reason....A couple months went by and I felt better because I worked through the issue and thought it was resolved....never to be seen again...WRONG!  The situation came back because I let the originator back in.....I battled what all of it meant for several months, trying to decide if it was worth the battle or not....Was I learning a lesson in this at all?  Was this consuming to much of my life?  Was this turning me back into someone I don't want to be?  Yes, Yes, and Yes!  Over the last two months I soul searched while maintaining the originator on a decent leash that wasn't too close but wasn't so far away that it was gone...Here recently I have discovered that I just keep letting the leash out and I don't miss it....If I was suppose to be in "that spot" then I would miss it, but I just don't....Here over the last week or so I have decided that happiness is what I want back...not the stress of the anger and the originator....I was beginning to make things into something they weren't, care about things that in all reality I could care less about, etc.  So I am doing me and answering the questions from the beginning of this post....Have I been angry long enough?  Too long!  Can I remember the point of origin?  Absolutely, I will never forget it and for good reason....I don't want to make the same mistake over and over again....I won't let it go because there is something to learn from it all, but I will let it go in the sense that I will no longer hold the leash of the originator so that those angering situations will be a thing of the past....I have discovered great friends, an ability to take care of myself and enjoy it, some one(s) that want to talk to me and let me be me and love me for who I am in all my craziness!  Normally I battle my decision forever, but not this one....this is the right one for me!