Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will make your paths straight."

It's December? Oh crap, where did this year go?  Each year I think about all the stuff that has gone on, lessons learned and how on earth I could possibly make it through another year if it was as crazy as the last...well with each passing year, I discover that all though my years are pretty different they all are very much the same...Every day I wake up and go to work, now I have a different job, but it's work all the same...every day I spend with Raleigh, she changes every day, but she's my daughter just the same...I talk to my family and see them when I can which is no different from any other year...I see my friends, I take vacations, I meet new people, I quit talking to some....then I may start talking to them again, only to later again not talk to them any more..So really my every day life is no different...I get up, I can breath, I can walk, talk and eat...I can see the people I love, I get to work and pay the bills...it's the emotional aspect of my life, my spiritual aspect of life, my increasing knowledge of life, my health....those are the things that differ from year to year...This year, if I were to go back a year almost to the exact day, was rough...I was saying good bye to certain things and my heart was truly not at peace...breaking each moment for I knew I was not right in my doings and not right in my walk with God, which for me only led to an increase of internal anger.  However, I look back now and realized I made it through...with heart ache, yes but I didn't die....I learned some very powerful lessons and if anything it made me have a come to Jesus meeting with some things....the new year began and my personal life began to change...I thought for the better...quickly I realized, not so much...struggles from the past came slapping me in the face and I knew at that moment the best decision for me was to run and run like the wind from all of it...Certain people had to be removed totally and some just pushed far enough away that when they fell they didn't take me down with them...About half way through the year I was finding peace, finding my way back off the rocky path of the past...On the way, I lost my best friend of 20 plus years...wasn't easy, but they made their choices and I made mine, and for my walk with God to be where I want it to be the friendship needed to be severed.  God knew what he was doing then because in a very short amount of time he placed a person in my life that would forever change my friendships...God knew I needed a trust worthy friend who was upfront and honest with me, but didn't fight over the petty stuff...She became my best friend quicker then I could blink...Hell, she's more like a sister to me!  A true friendship that I value so much and that I needed so much.  She has heard my story and I have heard hers and we, daily, walk by each other in support and appreciation for what we know and have been through and what we continue to learn.  I'm ending my year in a place that I have longed to be...in a place that I once tried to convince myself I was in, but I knew wasn't true...a true place of happiness and peace.  My heart no longer aches of loneliness nor does hurt from the rejection...Someone has came into my life that truly fits my "needs" and goes above and beyond my "wants." My heart is at peace with my family...Raleigh and I continue to grow together and learn from each other...my friends, even though there are few, are the exact ones I need in my life and want in my life...my health is on the uphill track of being where I have longed for it to be...my walk with God?  Well after many heated arguments with the Man upstairs, I have found my understanding and my forgiveness and look forward to continuing my walk with Him and making it stronger....sharing my love for His word with my child, my family, my friends and strangers I meet....God is good and patience goes a long way....
.......I knew I would meet you and was very excited about it, but in my heart I wasn't really looking...I found you unexpectedly and wouldn't change what we now have for anything.  You are the answer to my prayers!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

So as we roll into another holiday season it never fails that life just gets bumpy.  I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, but it just seems that today and the few days passed life decided to wake me up a crappy hand.  I have separated from a family unit for sometime...this being my 3rd round of holidays where tradition is now totally different.  It never is easy, but some things just make it worse.  Now, it's not my sole decision to blast certain things about my life on the internet for the sake of my family, but we all know I am not perfect.  Well today, someone who I deal with regularly out of necessity jumped my case for his own pleasure.  I know this time of year probably isn't his favorite too, but we have to make the best of it...or at least try...well after being reamed I lost it like always.  What it boils down to is this person will never know how much I love them still and how much I care.  How much I just want them to be happy and how much I truly do appreciate everything they do for me and my child.  The person will never know the sense of guilt I wake up with every day and face every day.  And that each and every day is a new day for me to overcome such guilt.  A lot of people in my position have no guilt or remorse for certain decisions and those people make those of us who do have remorse and guilt pay dearly.  What not everyone seems to understand is that everyone is different and everyone makes mistakes...and everyone pays for it in their own time...and some of us actually kick ourselves in the butt regularly for choices we have made.  I just wanted to find happiness in life...that was the only reason why my choice was made...the mistake I made in the process makes that seem differently and I hate that...however, I can't spend the rest of my life proving to said person that I am sorry a million times over and I battle guilt and shame everyday...because everyday there is a reminder that the mistake I made was huge and inconsiderate...I always try to learn from my mistakes and I truly and honestly feel that I have...I can't force that person to see that...said person has to in their own time and their own way...I will rise above this and not let it tear me down each and every time I get jumped on...but being torn down to me is prove enough that there is a heart deep within me and that the blood it's pumping is not ice cold......I do my best, which some days I suck at, but I try not to throw people's lives in their face...after all it's our own lives and we make our own choices and we live with those choices and it is our own choice to learn from it or not...My life does not need to be thrown in my face to remember where I've been, where I come from and where I am...I know all on my own just what my path has been....One thing I know for sure is never say never, that I will always love and care for said person for more than one reason, that Raleigh is my life and I do everything I can to give her everything she needs and to have a good life without over spoiling her and that I will always remember where I come from and I will always be the one to kick my own butt...I need no help in that department, but thanks for making the offer...Just remember all who read this or all who don't....as soon as you point the finger at me, you're right I may be guilty of something, but so are you, as those three fingers are pointing back at you.....just some food for thought...

"If you didn't need a pill to get fat, why would you need one to get unfat? "

I know this pictures is crooked, but hopefully by the end of this blog you will get my point...at least I hope...This picture was taken at my heaviest...Awhile back I had posted about my weight loss journey and where I started...which by the way, posting my heaviest weight on a public site is never the easiest thing to do.....anyways...I started out my journey weighing in at 198.5 on November 9, 2009, wearing an extra large in shirts and size 16 in pants...awful I know.  We all know I tried every fad diet under the sun which I always ended up bailing on.  I never was one who enjoyed working out...in fact, my main form of exercise was maybe climbing the stairs at my parents or leaning over to grab the remote off the coffee table.   That's the honest truth!  Come January 2010 I had probably shed around 20 pounds and kept going until I had reached about thirty pounds lost.  After that, the only time I paid much attention to my weight was if I had to weigh at the doctor's office.  I was noticing that even though I was yet to reach my goal weight, I was still maintaining the weight I had lost.  That by itself was a big accomplishment...Then around August, my best friend and I decided we would look into a work out routine that we enjoyed...and we all know our favorite thing to do is...dance!!  So we found a place that held Zumba classes and we fell in love...In fact, we loved it so much that we figured why not get paid to do it so now we are Certified Zumba Instructors!  So about a month into Zumba I knew I was doing better but not doing as good as I could be in the weight loss department.  So my best friend and I talked about it and decided we would commit to weight watchers.  We have been going strong with the program for about six weeks and I am happy to announce that two years later I am a size 8, not 16, and my weight as of today is 152.2 for a total weight loss of......46.3 pounds!  I still have a few more pounds to go to reach my goal, but every day I am one step closer!  Look at me now!

"Every time you get angry, you poison your own system."

There comes a point in life when you should ask yourself if you have been angry long enough and if you remember why you are so angry in the first place.  If you are to the point that you can't even pin point the exact origin of said anger then being angry for long enough has been way too long....but if you can answer that and recognize what needs to be done then do it!  That doesn't say you necessarily are letting go of the situation but that you are letting go enough that you are bound by it any longer...I realized last October I was becoming very angry with the situation I was in, but wanted to fight to stay there thinking that would go away....come December things only took a turn for the worse; however, I didn't realize that December would only make the anger worse until months later....February came and life dropped an even bigger bomb shell and that is when I truly discovered how angry I was...which is somewhere I haven't been in a long time and for good reason....A couple months went by and I felt better because I worked through the issue and thought it was resolved....never to be seen again...WRONG!  The situation came back because I let the originator back in.....I battled what all of it meant for several months, trying to decide if it was worth the battle or not....Was I learning a lesson in this at all?  Was this consuming to much of my life?  Was this turning me back into someone I don't want to be?  Yes, Yes, and Yes!  Over the last two months I soul searched while maintaining the originator on a decent leash that wasn't too close but wasn't so far away that it was gone...Here recently I have discovered that I just keep letting the leash out and I don't miss it....If I was suppose to be in "that spot" then I would miss it, but I just don't....Here over the last week or so I have decided that happiness is what I want back...not the stress of the anger and the originator....I was beginning to make things into something they weren't, care about things that in all reality I could care less about, etc.  So I am doing me and answering the questions from the beginning of this post....Have I been angry long enough?  Too long!  Can I remember the point of origin?  Absolutely, I will never forget it and for good reason....I don't want to make the same mistake over and over again....I won't let it go because there is something to learn from it all, but I will let it go in the sense that I will no longer hold the leash of the originator so that those angering situations will be a thing of the past....I have discovered great friends, an ability to take care of myself and enjoy it, some one(s) that want to talk to me and let me be me and love me for who I am in all my craziness!  Normally I battle my decision forever, but not this one....this is the right one for me!

Tears that fall....

Hiding behind a smile is what I do best....most days.  No one sees what happens when I'm laying in bed in the quiet not talking to anyone.  And I even do my best to hide the tears over the phone.  The battle between my heart and head is always constant, daily battling each other over every life matter.  What is right?  What is wrong? Turn left or turn right? Eat that? Don't eat that! Buy this or not?  Stay or go?  On and on and on and on.....The skeletons in my closet, even though most are not hidden away from the world, are busting through the door weighing heavy on my heart and heavy on my mind.  I have a story to tell and I try to tell it when I can, but in the process you get those who are family etc who don't want others to know just really how messed up you are and those who just think you are full of shit and that your story would never compare to theirs.  By the way, I don't want to compare to "your" story, mine's sick enough!  Then even though I wanna say everything, I can't because some people don't know everything, mainly out of protection of their own mind.  Then you meet the new people and you have decide just how soon you share your story.  Some say certain things are better left unsaid, some say wait until you "really know someone"....by the way what the hell does that mean?....Others say the past is the past and don't dwell on it....I don't dwell on my past, I just know that my past is what has taught me so many lessons in life and without the learning experience my world would be so different...so as decisions of life haunt me so does my story.....

There's a random post for you....welcome to my brain!

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

So I guess the new thing for people is having a bucket list...I guess I've always had one but now I'm going to put on paper (well the computer/modern day paper)....This will for sure be an ever changing post.  I will even jot down the items that were on there, that I have already accomplished...

My Bucket List:

1. See a NFL game.........Check
2. Attend a Nascar race
3. Attend a National Hockey League game
4. Go to New York and see a broadway show
5. Own a wolf
6. See Canada...............Check
7. Zip line through a rain forest somewhere like Hawaii
8. Write my name in the sand of beach other than the gulf...............check
9. Take a cruise...even though I'm terrified of boats
10. Go to Alaska
11. Go to a foreign country...maybe somewhere in Europe or Australia..maybe Paris, Scotland or anywhere
12. Go back to Washington DC with my little girl
13. Take Raleigh to Disney World
14. Share my story with a group of people
15. Go back to college-get my bachelors
16. Build my own house
17. Be able to give back to those who need it more
18. Lose my last 25 pounds and keep it off!
19. Run a marathon
20. Visit Carlo's Bakery
21. Take time to hear and note the story of the grandparents I have left
22. Leave a story of triumph over tribulation where in the end my daughter was raised to the best of my ability and I can leave happy with where my life went.

I'm sure this list will lengthen over time...some things are big, some things are not, but they are my things!

"Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child." ~ Mary MacCracken

It came in the mail today....the "Back to School Night" reminder...Again, I hoped for this day and still, as excited as I am for Raleigh, I dread this day....By mid-August my child will no longer be my little Monkey running around, she will be my big Monkey walking off with back pack in hand to a world she's unfamiliar with...a world that she will spend the next several years in...Maybe my biggest fear is how much I hated school and how cruel kids were ten plus years ago...In my line of work, I get to see just how much more cruel kids are today...oh the fear!  The fear that it could be my kid getting bullied, or even being the bully...I pray for neither and though the title quote says to be honest, this year the honesty of my excitement will shine through, but the honesty of my fears will stay hidden.  This is not the time to show my child my fears for her, she's too excited about becoming a "big girl getting to carry her big girl back pack."  I know I'm not the only mom out there, and mom's with kids in school will tell me it will be okay...I'm sure it will, but I can't help but want to draw closer to her keeping her mommy's little girl for the next 15 days and thereafter when I can get away with it.  So from today until the 17th, we are going to swim, ride bikes, play at the park, feed the ducks, watch Tangled, color pictures, play mom and sister or mom and babysitter and without her even knowing I'm going to be soaking all of it in because before long we'll be doing homework together, going to sporting events, dances, etc.  She'll always be mommy's little monkey regardless of her age and school status, but I'm no fool...the older she gets the less she will want everyone to know that...even if she loves me to the moon and back and then some!

"What the daughter does, the mother did." ~Jewish Proverb

The time is coming.....a time that I was so excited to see, but now fear the most.  My daughter, the light of my life and my rock, will be four Sunday.  Where has time gone?  I remember the first few days of her life.  Just rocking her and feeding her.  Laughing to her giggle in her sleep and intently listening to every coo.  Those days I prayed for the days she was to transfer from formula to milk and from diapers to toilet.  With the milk days came the words...words, words and more words....and her walking skills.  After that came the toilet days, the table food and SENTENCES!!  I would laugh at how words came out and work with her on how to say things correctly.  So thankful and impressed with how knowledgable she was and how fast she potty trained.  The check book was thankful too.  Then I grew with excitement for the days she wanted to pick out her own clothes, to show her sense of style, and Lord, her first day of school!  What could be more exciting.  Now with my little monkey, who is over half my height already, is nearing four which means school starts in exactly a month from her birthday.  I'm elated that now I will get to see and hear all the things she is learning.  After all, she can spell her name and just almost write her name on her own.  She is non stop talking and quoting songs, etc.  I can't help but now be sad and fear.  Sad that she isn't the tiny little baby rocking in my arms depending on me to bathe her, pick out her clothes and figure out her needs.  Fear that with school all sorts of new experiences will arise...good and bad, the bad I fear so much.  Now she picks out her own clothes, which is always interesting, and the imagination and creativity my child possess' is beyond my wildest dreams.  She still cuddles with me and loves me like I need her too, but she has also developed some independence.  She is so tiny to me and to envision this little one standing in the lunch line making choices without my help among other things makes me sad, scared and excited.  My little monkey is just growing up.  Words that she couldn't pronounce right she can now clearly speak.  Where has time gone?  I will continue asking for the rest of my life.  I pray that as my daughter turns four and as she begins school she will learn and grow into a beautiful, smart and wise woman who follows the path God has laid out for her.  I guess I just never knew how scary this really could be.   

Fear Not For He Is With You....

I've decided to put myself on a journey.  A journey in which I need to take...this journey is helping me move past some unnecessary decisions I made in the past and better my relationships with people.  God has re-opened a door in my life, that a first I was hesitant to even peek through because of what has happened in the past...but how fair is that?  The past was a journey, an unforgettable one at that.  I needed this door to re-open so that I could work on some things that happened otherwise any relationship I have would most likely fail.  The door re-opening has advanced my relationship with God in ways that I unexpected.  I'm learning things about myself and how life should be lived as a woman of God.  I'm so lucky that I have supportive people standing beside me.  I've only been walking on this path for a few weeks and it has been exciting thus far.  I've realized that my heart still sits where I placed it just over a year ago, and I like it there.  Most days it scares me, but deep inside I know it's right. 

Let Me Let Go...

" And when you begin to want me back...remember YOU let me go."

Lord, I hope this can be followed, I have a thousand things sprinting through my head....I was once told you have to eliminate the negative people in your life and surround yourself with positive Christians...Great idea; however, people aren't always who they seem to be or make themselves out to be...With that being said, I have taken several weeks to pay attention to what my head and my heart are saying.  I have put myself through the ringer, I've put others through the ringer, and others have put me through the ringer.  I am learning that some aspects of my life need to be changed, some things need to be let go of and some people need to be forgiven, including myself...and with that being said I didn't realize that I needed to forgive some people, well a person, and I don't even know if they realize that...We all know that my mistake list is not a short one and we all know that for the most part I'm not quiet about my life and where I've come from and what has taught me my lessons...Someone in my life has repeatedly told me that somethings need to stay private, or don't be real detailed with certain people, or you truly haven't let that go because you get defensive...Come again?  Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for another...Let's get this straight, excuse me while I climb onto my soap box....Some of the things I have done in my past I am over with...excuse me if I get defensive, but I don't take it well when people find the need to judge...so get off your high horse telling me that "I haven't let it go"  There is something I am still dealing with and over the last few weeks I have realized that I need to just forgive myself and forgive the other person that did have a say in it too...I know God forgives me, thank the Lord!  I was going to go talk to someone and see if they can help me forgive myself and forgive that person...That person was going to go with me and then came at me saying if I'm going to bash them they won't go...Seriously?!?  It's not about you!!!  So this got my mind to thinking...Dealing with this on my own is the best way...you didn't involve yourself the first go around so you might as well remove yourself from the second go around.  I've realized I need to make some choices and there are people who need to be removed from my life...some people needed to be added back and some need to stay.  I'm discovering that relationships with my family, my ex husband and a handful of my friends are extremely important.  I am realizing that just because some people are good people they are not good people for me...okay off my soap box and in a nut shell...I'm letting go...I have some really positive people in my life and those people will stay...I love them and they support me for who I am and where I come from...

Birthday Blessings

So today is my birthday...Normally, I talk it up for months and then dread it when it actually gets here...mainly because I get my hopes all up for nothing...lesson learned...this has been the greatest birthday in forever...well since my birthday spent in Oklahoma City...Last night I got to spend shopping with two great girls...my mom and Raleigh...Raleigh got me an awesome shirt that clearly states who I am...She told me to wear it today and then as we were heading out she asked why it wasn't in a birthday bag...LOL...Today, I am sitting at work, barely awake, and I hear..."Kodi, you have a delivery!"  My best friends, Jess and Stephen, surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of my favorite flowers!!  Then a very special person, yes you Jay, took me to Napolis and that is always wonderful...Come back from lunch and some errands and I have yet another delivery...thanks Stephen!  Best friends know you the best!!  I had cupcakes from The Ruffled Cup waiting for me....now just waiting for time to pass so I can go home and have a great dinner with my family...then I get to count down the days until Saturday, because my friends are awesome and we are going to have a great time this weekend...but why is my birthday so great?  Yes because of my wonderful friends and family but even greater blessing happened...My ex husband and I seemed to have found a balance that we have long needed...I continuously pray that we can stay the way we've become...no, we don't find the need to talk all the time, but we are finding a common neutral ground...thanks Danny!!  Really, thank you!

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

"We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way,
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red,
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak; sometimes we're hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we're all the same
We all bleed red."

Oh the cards that have been dealt over the last several days....where did it all begin and where will it all end?  I've wracked my brain, shattered my heart and worn myself out by trying to think about it too much, and fix things that I can not fix.  It's time that I accept the fact that what's done is done and some things just can not be changed and/or fixed.  I made choices based on what my heart and my head told me was the right thing to do.  They were things I prayed about and prayed about...I seeked advice and opinions of others and took time away to get a good look at everything.  Why after all the work I put into making a smart decision for myself do I fight the reality of my decision?  Maybe because I know none of us are perfect, we all deserve a chance....Where I do believe those things are true and will remain true to me I also have to look out for myself.  So I'm no longer doubting my decisions and I am accepting the results of them...good or bad....I was told by someone near and dear to my heart that "some people are in our life for a reason and some for just a season."  This is so true and all though it may be difficult to accept the fact that some are only around for a season, I understand that they are only here temporarily to normally teach me something about my life.  Thanks to those who have just been a season or became just a season and thanks to those who are a reason and have become a reason. 

Freedom

What I saw, maybe other's saw too...but it impacts everyone differently...for me it's a disappointment in my own self..that I disappointed you, let you down, failed you miserably...No one will understand the impact of what I saw has on my heart and my mind and my spirit...people tell me that I am not responsible for the actions of others...and I know in a sense I am not...I'm clinging to the hand of God that he may not drop me down the dark hole I've struggled to climb out of....I've realized over the last several days where my life has been and where it needs to go, but there are still unanswered questions...maybe they will never be answered...no one truly knows but God...just like no one truly knows my heart but God...you may see something when you look deep into my eyes, but they can't tell you everything...they can't explain why my heart breaks the way it does and I why I feel the way I do...The light in my child's eyes and the hope in her smile make a huge difference in the light that shines the doorway of my life...they say when one door closes that another one opens...but we don't always have to like that door being closed...I guess we can fight it tooth and nail but if God wants that door closed then that door is closed....but what if we are in question of a door being open so we close it ourselves?  What then? Trust in the Lord right?  I'm trying...I'm trying to not sacrifice my own self for the happiness of others...I'm trying to not sacrifice my stability to keep another persons foundation solid because after all I can't keep anyone's foundation solid but my own...all I can do is pray for freedom from the ties that hold me to the things that bring me down..pray that God lifts me up and my child that way may see the truth of who is He is and what He wants from and for us.  Trusting that God can be in control of my life is just the process to finding true happiness in all my choices....

Na na na na

People like to tell me that I have to learn not to always be a people pleaser, that I need to learn to put some of my needs and wants before others.  That way my business is taken care of and I feel good about myself and my life...but when I do that I seem to just fail...fail others...and for me, that just is not okay...I would rather come second so that others can come first.  I know all my stuff will fall into place, maybe not as fast, but it will happen...failing others is something that is too tough to live with so it's easier to take care of them first.  My heart aches incredibly when I let others down...I've been trying so hard to rebuild my foundation, making it more solid than it has ever been....I struggle trying to figure out how to do that...one day at a time, by allowing my walk to be hand in hand with God's, by being the best mom I can be, being there for my family and friends...sometimes our lives conflict with each other's...so how do you get past that?  There will always be people in your life who's values, morals, opinions, etc. conflict with your own, but you can't dismiss that person...I guess it may be okay to do that if the person is making negative choices for their life and what not, but what about someone like me who just wants to be there for everyone...be everyone's listener and shoulder to lean on...."You can't change anyone that doesn't want to change"  "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"  all words spoken to me by very smart people...but still, my heart hates giving up on people...

Dirty Confessions

"You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."~Tommy Politz

Five months I've avoided church for a reason that haunts me daily...I even sometimes say I fear being struck down if I walk in the doors, but in all reality I know that literally won't happen.  I fear walking in and the preacher talking about something that will just hit to close to home, which will cause the flood gates to open and I will become flooded with questions of what is wrong, what is going on?  It was Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to my church, with my family....where Raleigh is suppose to be every Sunday...where I am to be taught how to daily walk with God and be able to teach Raleigh how she is suppose to live her life and represent God.  I kind of figured today's message would be touching a little too close to home, but not as close as it truly did.  Opening message..."You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."  Oh crap!  How right was my preacher...I feared the guilt but in the end its the conviction I felt the most...Name your sin, Own you sin, Share your sin....That's what we were told next...I sat there fighting the emotion that sat clearly on my sleeve just because today is not the day for questions...my mom leans over and says "You did that!"  Like she was proud of me that I recognized a sin I had committed, I owned it and I shared it and did my best to make ammends with God, my family and a few others.  Proud that I continue to share it and not deny a mistake that changed my life...but there is still that one thing that I've named and I have owned but I do not fully share....He says don't take it to your death bed because then it's too late for the people you tell to actually deal with it.  It was nice to know that mom was happy that I had done that, but it disappointed me that she doesn't know I'm still not done "sharing."  I sat there...very convicted because I'm only half way through the letting go and giving it to God part...Fearing my mom would be watching the tears just fall, I kept my hair down around my face and attempting to do the best at wiping away tears without being noticed...nothing was said, what a relief!  At the end of the service he prayed...prayed for those who were convicted and needed the strength to share their sin that they have named and owned...prayed for those who would be the recipient of such secret...he prayed for me and he prayed for my mom...he didn't know it and my mom didn't know it...I made it out of church with no questions...only one question was asked later that day by my mom....."did you like the sermon?"  I simply answered yes, hoping that was all that was going to be asked....today was not the day...Oh I fear the day I have to talk about all this...I hate talking about it with anyone, but it's necessary to let go and move on and I know that....it's all a part of the process I guess....all a part of the process of finding the walk with God that I once had....finding the ability to have healthy relationships with people of my past, present and those in the future by letting go of what's already done.....

Single Mom Serenade!

Mother's Day is fast approaching...does every mother wonder how their day is going to be spent?  What their kids are going to do for them? Is their husbands going to pull through with a nice "day off" with the kids helping with everything?  I'm sure this happens to dads, on Father's day....The slight difference I, and many others, have over other mothers is that there is no husband taking care of things and helping the kids make the day great so mom can have a "day off."  Don't get me wrong, I don't have this by choice...I made my bed and this is part of having to lay in it...For a while I was wondering who is going to teach my daughter the value of Mother's Day and Father's Day and at four how is she going to say I want to get this for mommy...not so much of wondering as I was stressing over it...unnecessarily stressing over it...I've not always been a single mom, thankfully I did have a time where I was blessed with the husband and father...it's been a couple years since I have had that so most days I don't think about how lonely it is after Raleigh's asleep, how nice it would be to not be the one cooking or taking the trash out, etc.  But last night was different...I was laying there alone, no one to share my day with or watch my favorite show with, and I realized I had mother's day all wrong...Everyday with my child is mother's day...Raleigh doesn't need to buy me something for me to know that she loves me and appreciates me..she already does that...At any moment in my life Raleigh will pick a random flower and say its for me, draw a picture and say its for me, have her dad cut her hair off and then tell me she wanted hers to look like mine...Who's going to teach her about Mother's Day?  I will!  On the specified "Mother's Day" I will explain to her what it's about and that we are going to go to Church and eat and do fun things with each other...maybe do some crafts or let her play with bubbles and chalk regardless of the temperature and how windy it is...and we will do it together...we will spend it with my mother, her G G and maybe even our friends...So even though this single mom thing can get lonely and stressful and some days I wonder why I put myself in this situation, I will always know that alone I am not for I have Raleigh, stressed I am not because I do have help and Raleigh's personality (most of the time) melts that away...as for my choice in becoming a single mom...well...Raleigh will learn it's less stress on her...So if someone says being a single mom is easy, they are lying...if a married mother says it's easy, well they are lying too...neither way is "easy"...what the heck is "easy" anyways?  But however a mother you are, for me it's being a single mom and everyday seeing her makes everything worth it!  I love that little girl and this will be the best mother's day yet, because I am realizing what is truly important about this upcoming day, my situation and my family...

Hi I'm Kodi and I'm a.....

Isn't that how all anonymous meetings are started out..."Hi, I'm (insert name) and I'm an addict"....I would say I'm addicted to life's pain...or that's how it feels at times.  Addicted to the frustrations of the uncertainty, addicted to heart ache, addicted to all the pain that it is caused because that's when you know you can feel...Oh my history is a colorful one...one that I don't mind speaking about, but out of respect for some family I'll spare the details...I do believe there comes a point in your life when you finally learn from your own life and realize it just wasn't working...time to try something new...however, in the midst of all this is when what one would call a "relapse" can happen...now don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic or drug addict, that's not the case...there are other addictions in life besides those things...just wanted to make that clear...It seemed that I had kept it all together for so long...in fact a good ten years...and even in those years I faced struggles that would bring cause to "relapse."  But I never did...so why 6 months ago did my world so suddenly change and my ability to handle such stressors??  I made some choices that will forever affect the way I handle certain things or think about certain things...I was given a chance to make new for myself and learn a huge lesson in wants vs needs, etc....I thought I had it all lined up...just how it was suppose to be...my road no longer winding with huge pot holes, but more straight and smooth with minor speed bumps...I guess I didn't...Causing "relapse"...Today I learned a huge lesson in life...one I've learned a thousand times, but am now accepting...Today I learned, again, not to take things for granted, never settle for anything less than what you want, be happy with the life you live, put God first, what you want is not always what you need, what you need you may not always get the way you want, never take for granted the relationships in your life...I like to tell people that to be a part of my life they have to accept my past because it's a part of me but the truth is....I have to accept my past...I have to overcome my past...my "addiction" needs to be a part of my past not my present or my future...So tomorrow is a new day for me...a day that will mark a new beginning, a new count...when a "relapse" occurs your time starts all over...so even if I had a good ten years, I don't now and I accept that....

Marathon Mind...Forgive Me

It seems here lately I lay down and my mind just races with everything that I need to do...I'm still fairly new to my job and even though it's flexible in the hours, it is definitely non stop.  I'm always thinking of things that I need to do...people to e mail or text, places to go, things to look up...All this definitely makes it hard to sleep...the lack of sleep I have been experiencing is just never good...gets you to thinking about other aspects of your life, the choices you've made, the choices you should have made, etc....well it definitely makes me think of some things or shall I say a thing that is constantly haunting me...how do I let go?  I'm reminded regularly about a choice that was made...made as a good decision, but........
Talking to someone is an option, I guess...but who do you go to? who do you trust? I know I am not alone in this situation, that someone else may have made the same choice...I wish it could just be forgotten, but that's not how life nor this world operates..."You can't run from your past" people will say...I'm not, but must I be constantly reminded of some things that have happened?  I wanna let it go, be done with it, move on....
Will the lack of silence in the silence ever go away?...Will the pictures in a dark room ever disappear?...I know I don't technically ever want to forget you, the choice I made, but I want you to take a sabbatical or something for a minute...give me some space, let me breathe...You, my choice, will always be a part of my life, but God I'm asking that you take my choice out of my dreams, my constant thoughts, etc.  Maybe God, you have begun that process by shining light on someone who....I don't know....just thank you...And God, may I work even harder to let this go and give it to you!

Day Dream Believer....

In an effort to get to know me better I was asked by someone what some of my dreams were...I sat thinking on how I answer that....I quickly start writing back a list of things only to realize I wouldn't consider those dreams but goals...so what are my dreams?  Do I have any?  In an effort for this person to get to know me better, I ended up learning something new about myself....Everyone has dreams of being famous, making a difference in the world, being rich, etc...but realistically speaking I can't say that I have any...is that just ridiculous???  I have goals aren't those technically more realistic?  Goals to finish my bachelors, be the best mom I can be to Raleigh, be a better wife to whoever is brave enough to marry me than I was to Danny, always live within my means, wake up everyday thankful for what I do have, always work hard to obtain things independently...wait I guess I may have a dream or two...my dreams aren't for me though...they are for my child...my hopes and dreams are for my child...that she grow up not experiencing some of the trauma I did, but experiencing some to know that life is not perfect...that she works hard and knows how important she is to everyone....that she never let the words of another person define who she is or what she can accomplish...that she knows she can do anything she puts her mind to so long as her faith in God is strong...that she is never alone in this world....that I am always here....so what are my dreams????  That Raleigh know a life that is not perfect but trusts in the Lord everyday that he will guide her through and provide for her making her life "perfect" for her...

Missing Motivation....

November 9, 2009...weight = 198.50 lbs

April 4, 2011...weight = 157.00 lbs

15 to 20 more lbs to go....just 15 to 20...that should be nothing right?  I mean I've dropped 41 pounds in the last year and a half and have kept it off so what's 15 to 20 more????

Missing motivation is the answer....I'm soul searching and soul searching to find that motivation....

Things I've tried:
LA Weight Loss
Doctor's Clinic
Weight Watchers
Endless Fad diet supplements
Metabolic Research Center

What did I learn?  Fast results gets you an empty check book, weight lossed until you stop all the supplements then it all comes back plus some...

I finally realized dropping the weight the right way...ya know?  Portion control, exercise, no cokes, etc...actually is the best way...

But still....MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU?????

Country Girl Can Survive!

When I got married, Danny was relentless in telling me all the time that I was a "country girl"...you know....like to play in the dirt, etc...Not the type of girl who wants to get dressed up and do "fancy" things...I battled that in my head all time...who was I?  When I left Danny, my dad asked me what was one of my reasons...I told him that one reason is I feel like I either lost who I am or was never able to discover who I am...My dad's response..."You're Raleigh's mom."  I know I am Raleigh's mom, but isn't there more to me than just a mom...I have pondered these thoughts and statements for the last two years....

I think I am figuring it out...Danny did know me best, or shall I say better...I am "country" but I'm one of those people who mingles into whatever class.  I enjoy dressing up and going out, being girly and doing things that those "high society" people do...I just lack the stiffness that most possess...no offense...but I also love being outdoors and getting down and dirty in the mud...I love my crazy family and my crazy friends.  I love where we all come from and would never change our paths that we have all taken...we know how to have a good time...we don't need a fancy bottle of wine, a $80 steak and name brand underwear...we are jeans and t shirt kinda people who don't mind running through a drive through and eating at the river...but we also don't mind getting all fancy and doing the fancy stuff...hey, at least we fit in with whatever crowd we run into!

"Forget your high society, I'm soakin' it in Kerosene
Light 'em up and watch them burn, teach 'em what they need to learn, ha
Dirty hands ain't made for shakin', ain't a rule that ain't worth breakin'
Well I'm givin' up on love 'cause love's given up on me"

"If you're a down home, backwoods redneck,
Hey come on, stand up and raise your glass.
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd,
You can kiss my country ass. Aw yeah!

Well, there's a whole lotta high-class people out there
That's lookin' down on me
Cause the country club where I belong
Is the Honky Tonk till three in the mornin'
Don't wear no fancy clothes
No ties or three piece suits.
You can find me in my camouflage cap
My t-shirt and cowboy boots
If that don't fit your social class
You can kiss my country ass

If you're a down home, backwoods redneck
Hey, come on, stand up and raise your glass
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd
You can kiss my country ass

Well I'm a front-porch sittin',
Guitar pickin', moonshine sippin',
Backer juice spittin' country boy from the woods
And I love fried chicken & blue gill fishin'
And outlaw women, an' I wouldn't change if I could. NO!
I ain't tryin' to start no fight, but I'll finish one every time
So you just mind your own damn business
Stay the hell outta mine.
If you got a problem with that
You can kiss my country ass

I said if you got a problem with any of that
You can kiss my natural born, Redneck to the bone
Ever-lovin' country ass."
 

 No offense...I love you all...my friends come from every back ground and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world...same goes to my family!

Touching on the whole Spiritual Journey...

I just thought I had it all figured out I guess.  Low and behold, I was being blinded by love and didn't really see what was happening...


Nine months ago I was walking beside God everyday.  I was going to church and getting as much from the word as I could...All I wanted was to share my spiritual journey with someone who appreciated it all and had just as much passion for Christ as I did....I found that person, so I thought! 

Nine months later I am broken again and alone.  We shared our passion for Christ for only a short minute, even though at the time I thought it was ongoing...I realized today that nine months ago I broke up with the most important man in my life, God, for someone who never was accepting and understanding of who I am and who my daughter is.  For someone who wanted to be first but not return that emotion...He said he stood for Christ and I know in his heart he does.  But alone, he does.  If this would have happened to me a year ago, I would be miserable and very unsure of what to do with myself...but this all happened after developing such an awesome relationship with my Christ...I may have pushed God aside unknowingly but he has always stayed there with me...

I don't need someone physically beside me for me to be happy...in fact I am more happy without the stress of the other person...I know there is someone out there who does belong at my side and God will find him for me...I am in no rush...Lessons learned from this all!!