Dirty Confessions

"You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."~Tommy Politz

Five months I've avoided church for a reason that haunts me daily...I even sometimes say I fear being struck down if I walk in the doors, but in all reality I know that literally won't happen.  I fear walking in and the preacher talking about something that will just hit to close to home, which will cause the flood gates to open and I will become flooded with questions of what is wrong, what is going on?  It was Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to my church, with my family....where Raleigh is suppose to be every Sunday...where I am to be taught how to daily walk with God and be able to teach Raleigh how she is suppose to live her life and represent God.  I kind of figured today's message would be touching a little too close to home, but not as close as it truly did.  Opening message..."You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."  Oh crap!  How right was my preacher...I feared the guilt but in the end its the conviction I felt the most...Name your sin, Own you sin, Share your sin....That's what we were told next...I sat there fighting the emotion that sat clearly on my sleeve just because today is not the day for questions...my mom leans over and says "You did that!"  Like she was proud of me that I recognized a sin I had committed, I owned it and I shared it and did my best to make ammends with God, my family and a few others.  Proud that I continue to share it and not deny a mistake that changed my life...but there is still that one thing that I've named and I have owned but I do not fully share....He says don't take it to your death bed because then it's too late for the people you tell to actually deal with it.  It was nice to know that mom was happy that I had done that, but it disappointed me that she doesn't know I'm still not done "sharing."  I sat there...very convicted because I'm only half way through the letting go and giving it to God part...Fearing my mom would be watching the tears just fall, I kept my hair down around my face and attempting to do the best at wiping away tears without being noticed...nothing was said, what a relief!  At the end of the service he prayed...prayed for those who were convicted and needed the strength to share their sin that they have named and owned...prayed for those who would be the recipient of such secret...he prayed for me and he prayed for my mom...he didn't know it and my mom didn't know it...I made it out of church with no questions...only one question was asked later that day by my mom....."did you like the sermon?"  I simply answered yes, hoping that was all that was going to be asked....today was not the day...Oh I fear the day I have to talk about all this...I hate talking about it with anyone, but it's necessary to let go and move on and I know that....it's all a part of the process I guess....all a part of the process of finding the walk with God that I once had....finding the ability to have healthy relationships with people of my past, present and those in the future by letting go of what's already done.....