Raleigh Raleigh Raleigh...

What can I say about my daughter???  She is growing like a weed and everyday is a new adventure, a new challenge, a new laugh, a new memory.  She reminds us all that I am the boss and not anyone else.  She loves to play hide and seek, but she wants to tell you where to hide and she will tell you where she is hiding.  Her patience is a work in progress, which is no surprise since I struggle with mine.  She's a helper.  She wants to help you cook and clean.  She wants to do everything on her own, like a big girl.  But yet she still insists on crawling in my lap and telling me to hold her like she is a baby.  Which I obviously have no problem doing...She talks all the time, non stop.  She signs and dances and hates to wear clothes.  Everything she eats must involve ketchup.  Just the other day I shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich with her and that, too, had to be dipped in ketchup.  She is very aware of her surroundings and she is very aware of what her dad and I went through and continue to grow through.  She remembers everything you say and do, so no secrets with her.  All she wants to do is play and learn and be close to you.  She is so smart and speaks so clearly but she still has her words that make you laugh.  Like lemolade for lemonade, lellow for yellow, B Nana for banana, "I'm stinking" for "I'm thinking," speeghetti for spaghetti.  She loves to know everyone's names and call them by their real names, including me.  I think everyday we argue about my last name, which legally is still Blankenship.  She insists that my last name is Baker.  I just told my mom that if I knew she was going to be so smart about it I would have just changed my name back, but I didn't and I still wouldn't.  She remembers everyone and has an imagination that could only have come from her dad.  I wouldn't trade this little girl for the world!!

Can You Keep Up???

So short and to the point is...I have so many things I want to talk about or track so I am going to start keeping them going through my blogs.  I want to talk about some of the changes I have been through and the crap that has been poured on me by myself and others.  I want to talk about Raleigh and how she is doing and developing.  I want to talk about my weight loss, I want to talk about relationship with Christ and my personal relationships...can you keep up???  Heck, I hope I can..LOL..so here we go...

Missing My Sister

Do I tell my sister near enough that I love her? No.  Do I tell her enough that I miss her? No.  Do I tell her enough that I need her? No.  My sister lives in Washington State raising her own family of three kids and taking care of a husband so it's not like she can just come on over whenever.  Both of us suck at the phone thing...we just get too busy...is that even a proper excuse?  Not really...What inspired these thoughts, well, I truly have no clue.  I was just driving home and my heart sunk when I realized just how much I miss my sister and just how much she has been there for me.  Did we fight growing up?  Well of course..and still we have our moments, but who was there putting my heart back together after it was torn apart, who helped me ring in my 18th birthday in style, who stayed up all night after traveling for days to be there when I had Raleigh, who stood by me after I yelled at her on more than one occassion for more than one reason?  My sister, that's who.  I have my friends and I am appreciative of them, but a sister is a sister and I would never replace her.  As I went through my divorce she was by my side to the best of her ability even though she is so far away.  She took me into her home while I had my first Thanksgiving without Raleigh, which also happened to be my anniversary too, and helped me see life goes on and things are okay even though my life operates differently.  She has kept an open mind to my adventures and has advised me on how to handle certain life issues.  She has talked to me about our family, our God, our relationships and so on and so forth.  Sometimes I just want to be selfish and tell her to get her butt back here because I need her here.  I don't know if she realizes just how much I need her here! She has a good life in Washington, that also provides for an awesome vacation, but.....I miss my sister!!!  Hmmm.................

this is an old pic....don't hold it against us LOL

Serenity...Courage....Wisdom

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference."

What is one of the things that helps me keep my sanity through my days?  The Serenity Prayer!  Through my growing relationship with Christ he IS granting the serenity to accept what I can't change, the courage to change what I can and helping me develop the wisdom to know the difference of it all.  This world we live in is such a crazy one and I don't quite understand how one could go through their days without holding the hand of Christ.  I have struggled my fair share, but who hasn't?  God was the one there helping me learn a lesson and giving me the hand to pull me back up out of the hole that I created.  God has blessed me with a wonderful daughter, a loving and supportive family and group of friends and a companion who is patiently learning how to understand the crazy works of my brain : ) For a while I thought I would never make it out of the hole I so cleverly dug for myself, but in due time God reached out his hand to help me up the, what seems like, never ending ladder.  I guess sometimes we have to swim around in the hole we dug so that we may see the truth of our decisions before we can start making our way up for air.  I've always used the Serenity Prayer in my counseling practices, but seem to forget to use it on myself.  Thanks to a great friend who brought it up and gave me something that daily reminds me of the Prayer I now find it easier to remember what I am here for and I can just look to that prayer and see it, even if it's the only prayer I speak throughout the entire day.  God  knows what is in my heart and what is on my heart, I don't have to spell it out for him.

Spiritual Journey...

Ahh...our spiritual journey....I think we all at some point in time fall off the beaten path, sometimes for a minute and sometimes for awhile.  As for my spiritual journey, well a journey it has been.  I thought I found the path of my spiritual journey after I left Danny, and for the most part I did, but what I didn't realize until a few months ago is that I was ready for my spiritual journey to be accompanied by someone who is strong in their faith.  I found that someone and couldn't be more thankful.  We have started a journey that is not the easiest to go on but with faith we make it.  I stumble and they are always there to help pick me up.  I am thankful I found someone so strong in their faith that they can do that for me.  Sometimes I don't realize just how hard I stumble until they share their infinite wisdom in spirituality.  I am lucky to have someone who will share their faith with me and allow me to become more than just a companion in their social life but in their church life as well.  As I've talked about, last week was just a rough one for me and he promised that we would go to church this past weekend.  And we went and of course, it was like the pastor was talking directly to me.  Now, I don't come from a past that really discusses why we cried through church or that prays out loud so that is just a very uncomfortable part of my life that needs to change.  Of course, there was no holding back the tears even as hard as I tried and at the end we were given the opportunity to go to the front to be prayed for.  He was so patient with me as I tried to decide if I was ready to step up to the plate and he was consoling letting me know he knew I was struggling, that he cared and was there for me.  That day a prayer was answered.  A prayer that God will swing the door open to the spiritual part of our relationship and he did, just not in the way I expected.  I was caught off guard and in a way, I regret never going to the front and allowing God to publicly connect us, but he did privately and for that I am thankful.  Next time I will be ready because I am ready now...Now that I know he supports me and is sympathetic to my hardships.  My spiritual journey will always by a journey worth taking and every day my faith in Christ will grow and I will learn more of how to let go and let God.  A journey that I will take publicly screaming out that I follow Christ's direction for my life not the direction society sees as so right for me.

...and then she said "I love you Mom"

So I should have written this a few nights ago, but my mood was just not allowing it.  This week has been so stressful.  I still haven't heard a word about that job, I have other personal issues going on and everyone else seems to be having a hard time and sharing it with me.  I can't worry about other people's issues, but it my personality to care and just want to help as much as I can.  Anyways, I was laying down with Raleigh trying to get her to go to sleep and I decided it was a perfect time to pray and pray hard.  I guess I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was because as I prayed I just began to cry.  The tears flowed like a waterfall.  I was quite about it because I hate when Raleigh sees me upset.  No need to bear this burden on my three year old.  I just kept praying that God would relieve myself and my loved ones of the stress and that we remember he has a plan for us and that he will guide us and keep us safe.  The tears just would not stop and then all of a sudden out of no where a small hand on my back.  This hand was soft and gentle.  Expressing care and concern and a love that no one else can give me.  A little voice spoke up, and while gently rubbing my back, I hear Raleigh say "I love you Mom.  I love you Mom."  You begin to remember that the stress of life is not worth the worry when you have a precious one who thinks the world of you.  My child is my everything and even though maybe earlier in the night I just wanted to pull my hair out, she is my peace and sanity.  I love that little girl more than I could ever imagine and to know that she senses my hurt and worry and just wants me to know that she loves me and that it will all be okay makes my days easier.  If you have a child, remember that they truly are a blessing from God and all they want is for you to be happy.  If you don't, may God bless you one day with the ability to experience the love a child whether biologically yours, a step child or maybe even a niece or nephew.  My life would be so different without my child and a handful of other children I love so much.

Finding a hobby???

My sister and I talked one day how we both lack hobbies and how we both thought of blogging.  Do people really read these things anyways?  Maybe...I thought to myself how I should have started this a long time ago.  My life started going through several changes, very rough ones at that, and I should have shared in my journey.  Just maybe my story can relate to some one else's or maybe even help.  I guess "better late then never" is an appropriate quote at this time.  So here is my first blog.....between a full time job, going to school part time and raising my child as a single parent, we shall see how well I stick to this "new" hobby.  I hope to be able to share the journey's of my life with all the triumphs and tribulations.  I am a very open person so if I ever write something offensive then maybe you shouldn't read this.  It's just a thought.  So to start:
   I need to vent about my job....I work for a company with great benefits but doesn't utilize my knowledge and skills.  I am currently waiting to hear back from a job that uses my degree and would financially provide for my family.  This waiting game sucks!!  All I do is pray pray pray..just keep praying that God shows me his path for me and that I may be accepting of it no matter what the outcome.  I have also decided to attempt college again.  I am only taking two classes this semester in hopes that I can prove to myself that I can do this and be able to take on more in the semesters to come.  So far, the convincing is not going so smoothly.  With all this going on I still tackle my three year old.  She definitely gives me a run for my money!  New sayings, new expressions, etc.  She makes me laugh and pull my hair out all at the same time.  I love her so much, without her my trials over the past years would have been impossible to deal with. 
  So there's the intro into the crazy world I live in.  Live your life to the fullest, make sure the people you love know you love them, never judge a book by its cover!