Bully....is it really an overused word?

I don't know if it's the time of year, or I have a lot going on, or if what I just read strikes my core; but, as I sit here at my place of business, I couldn't stop crying while reading a post my sister sent me.  "The Bully Too Close to Home" written by a mom who was telling on herself.  She wasn't abusing her child verbally or physically, no name calling, no hitting.  But what about that one form that no one really pays much attention to....emotional....As parents, we often get "too busy" or, knowing as adults it's nothing major, don't take concern for what hurts them when they fall or when things don't go their way.  This mom explained how she had made her schedule so tight that there wasn't even time for her children, oldest especially, to even accidentally trip or take a little longer packing a back pack.  Have you ever scolded your child when in your heart of hearts know what you are scolding them for you probably did yourself as a child or it really isn't something that makes or breaks the law? Have you ever seen the look in their eyes? Their expression change? I don't know if life experience or choices to work in certain career fields has opened my eyes more, or if simply paying attention has done the trick, but I see this all too often.  I, myself, did not come from a broken home.  My parents worked together in their own business, so I had them at hand.  If I was sick or hurting they were there.  If I had a school function or something extracurricular, they were there.  I was lucky enough to be born with high emotion (said extremely sarcastically).  I know my own emotion like the back of my hand and usually can tell just by someone's eyes they are hurting.  I knew as a young child that I wasn't alone in this world.  If I needed someone to talk to I at least had one person somewhere to talk to.  However, my high sense of emotion often triggered extreme anxiety and a large feeling of loneliness.  Like I was in a deep dark tunnel, with no light at the end.  I could be surrounded by laughter and still see and hear nothing.  My point in telling you this is so that you see, I came from what most people would call a "normal" family, but yet I still felt alone.  After a few years, I just threw it all up so to speak.  I told my parents where I was at and through that it didn't change my parents from being my parents, but they, my mom especially, learned that sometimes as a parent you just have to shut your mouth and listen.  We all know as parents that's not what WE think our job is?  By being able just to talk, it also opened my mind and eyes to what others go through and what they might need.  I chose to approach a career path that allowed me to listen.  Working first with adults and then switching to youth.  Seeing that the kids of todays world just need your time.  I have turned down jobs that require me to work weekends away from Raleigh or nights that don't allow me to put my own child to bed.  I now am in a career that I work my own schedule.  Yes, I still have trainings and meeting and the list goes on, but I have chosen to work my pace and what works for my family and I don't have a boss telling me otherwise.  All this brings me to what I've learned with my daughter.  She too was born with high emotion.  As a parent and someone who dealt and deals with this, it's my job to teach her how to handle herself and those around her.  I know there are ways I can approach her and ways I can not, even though YOU may approach your child that way, doesn't mean I can.  At 1 1/2 years old I pulled my child from a two parent home to two one parent homes.  She now was having to deal with repercussions that had nothing to do with her.  Anger, sadness, depression,hate, anxiety...the highs and lows of divorce.  I always thought that she would be fine since I left so early, but I knew she knew...I didn't realize that my child was a high emotion person until she was about two...you want to see a child in tune with emotions, meet mine.  One night I was laying with her...thinking she was a sleep, I quietly cried and her little hand reached over and held mine....at a wedding a song came on a small tears came down my face...she  was in my lap and hugged me saying "I love you momma."  I knew, she truly was my mini me.....my poor child.  Our children watch us, they know our lives revolve around technology...how sad...my six year old should not have to tell me to put my phone away.  I'm the adult, I should know that.  I've seen the frustration of her wanting to play or simply have my full attention and it's else where.  I've seen her trying to be playful with those in our house (living with the parents, thankful, but not always easy), and  it be dismissed or punished or lectured.  You know what my child does...Runs to her bed, face down...not throwing a fit...heartbroken....the last situation, I went in to let her know mommy knew she was trying to play, no harm...she said in her pillow "I just wanted to tell so and so I got on green today." The pain wrenches through me because I know, I understand and the last person I ever want to experience this is...My child...I can't protect my child from everything, but home is her safe place...every child's safe place...remember that....Take a breather when you feel the stress....I refuse to have my daughter be one who feels the need to cower down...She will be a strong little girl, young woman and lady.  She will be confident.  I will do everything I can to teach her how precious and wonderful she is and that she is the biggest gift from God to me.  I know she has a voice and I'm going to teach her how to use it.  People say there is a place and time for children to be seen and heard.  Come again? I'd rather hear my child's stories, laughter, and even tears way more than I want to hear the gossip, drama and issues of the adults around me.  So is bully an overused word? Not necessarily...a bully can come in many forms...I can't walk with my child through the halls of her schools to protect her from those children who bully because they are bullied outside of school, but anytime I can walk with her I will.  

Fly Like a Butterfly...an Orange One!

It's been months since my last post and I'm pretty sure I've covered every topic known to man.  What makes today the day I choose to write again? Today I'm going to fly like a butterfly...an orange one! Months ago I wrote a blog about life's addictions.  Today is similar.  My silence has been kept for years in fear of I'm not quite sure what, but does anyone know what silence gets you? Just that, silence.  It doesn't bring awareness to the fact that so many people, majority being teens, struggle with this.  One in twelve people struggle with self harm.  Did you hear me? ONE IN TWELVE! Think about any teens you know...average about 25 people in their classroom...that's at least 2 kids, not to mention all the adults.  People look at you like your crazy, how can someone do that to themselves they ask.  I ask...how can people over eat? how can people wake up with a drink and go to bed with a drink? how can someone force themselves to throw up? how can you stick something in your body that contains house hold cleaning products and then some? Everyone has different outlets, the question is how healthy are those outlets? Years ago, I sat feeling alone and misunderstood.  I was just a kid, but I was beyond in touch with the reality of my emotions.  The anger, the volitile nature of my outbursts, the sadness....no outlet...so I thought.  I turned to what made me feel better and in an odd (not sick) way pain brought a release.  A release of the burdens that held me down.  For several years I was lost in it...never suicidal...just needed the release of pain and this way no one got hurt but myself.  I rose above for years and then fell short again, because you see, that's the cycle of addiction.  If you don't work a program and don't surround yourself with postive, uplifting and trustworthy people you get lost again.  My downward spiral was a quick learning experience to evaluate the "triggers."  How disturbing of me to let some meaningless trigger be my trigger.  I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I don't need to convince anyone I am, just myself.  I have found those people in my life who understand they will never understand.  I have found those people in my life who have struggled themselves and do understand.  I love my family and friends for this.  Like any addiction, this too, is a daily struggle.  Little things can set off the feelings and emotions, but you, ME, we CHOOSE to rise above.  I've got God on my side and he gave me a voice for the world to hear.  We all get lost and need redirected.  Don't judge a book by it's cover people! I have one heck of a story, just as many other people do.  What a blessing it is when they choose me to share it with.  So today, smile at those who pass, tell those you love how much you appreciate them.  Notice people! Today and every day after I WILL rise above and beat the nature of this beast and I will carry all those who need me with me, because without them, I have no story to share. Today and always....FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY...AN ORANGE ONE!

Just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?

It's just one of those days...not a pitty party kind of day, but just a day of doubt.  My head runs a thousand different directions when it comes to money and how to pay bills.  Then I go to school, which kicks my tail.  I know I'm not dumb, but who am I kidding with the classes I'm taking? Do I really have it in me to succeed onto a different level? I can't pronounce half of those words and I'm expected to take the hardest test of my life in five months....and pass it!! Did I mention the national pass rate is 54%? Yeah, I know....maybe the jokes on me...I have a plan in my head on how I see my life playing out....but most days it feels as if that will never happen.  So I ask...is it just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?  I have motivation and I have drive...but the direction I need is out of my reach...always...I know what I want and I see what could be mine, but in some aspects of my life, there is only so much I can do on my side of the fence...where to go? what to do? Do I question some things or let them be? Where is this life of mine going?

In My Daughter's Eyes

Well it seems to have been like a million years since my last posting, so this is highly likely to just be a cluster f*** of a blog...Raleigh started kindergarten today...she is so excited about school and I am so excited for her, but it was one of the hardest drop offs ever!  My baby, all grown up!  She is unbelievable smart so I know she will do well and I look forward to her finding a place in this world.  Not only did she start school, I made the decision to go back as well.  So, therefore, today marked my first day of school as well.  I think I was more nervous about it all then Raleigh...actually I know I was.  Anyways, life is constantly changing and staying the same all at once..how does that happen?  My friend sent me a post today telling me how proud she is of how far I've come over the last 2 years...2 years! Wow! Life was so different then and I was struggling beyond explanation.  I have found a happiness that I don't know I believed would ever happen for me, and I know some wish wouldn't happen for me.  I didn't find it alone though.  I walk hand in hand with God everyday to stay steady and my family and friends have supported me all the way.  And my daughter, well hence the song reference..she's my hero...I know she feels what I feel and poor girl is just as emotional as me.  We steady each other at the same time we collide with each other.  Each day I find myself looking towards the future and determining the best ways to prepare for what's in store.  Do I know exactly what's in store?  Well no, but I do see the path God is laying in front of me...Things are changing and ideas and beliefs are changing...I'm learning from my past decisions and my past attitudes..working hard on my patience level, working hard on letting things be on God's time, working hard to not anger easily and to think before I speak.  Working hard to accept that some people will never see my personal growth and to be okay with that.  Learning that I can't continue to let people run my life, or attempt it....Learning that all I can do is keep hoping and praying for people and trusting that one day they'll see me as God sees me and as those who love me see me.  As a person who is trying to better their life for themselves and their child.  As a person who has learned from the past and works daily to let it go and use it as a lesson, not a mistake.  Back to my little one...well we are growing and learning together...we dance in the kitchen, we giggle and play...I teach her and she teaches me...I do see for my future and hers a larger family unit and as we build on that we are going to keep dancing to "her song..."

How do you get writer's block when it's just thoughts?

As a child, running by a fence hitting it with a stick is fun...it makes noise, it irritates the neighbors, it's something you probably shouldn't do, but not so bad you get in severe trouble.  But never as a child would you get that this picture could plague your mind in another way.  Figuratively, as adults this is what we do to agitate the devil on the other side.  I never thought of it this way until here recently.  I'm walking down the path of life with everything seemingly going well.  I have a great job, great relationships, a great child, great family, etc....but I feel myself running down that fence line with my stick stirring the devil on the other side.  You know, the devil who waits for the perfect time where you are vulnerable.  I may be rocking down the path of God, but I still have stressors in my life, which is natural.  Well those stressors scream to the devil that it's perfect time to attempt his sabotage.  My mind here recently has been flooded with thoughts, so many thoughts that I even appear distant to myself.  I thought writing would help but when it came down to it, I had writers block....How in the hell do you get writers block when it's your own thoughts?  I don't know.  Well I've been trucking along this incredible path for sometime now.  And I am loving every minute of it, but if you think I don't still have struggles, well then you are highly mistaken.  Everyone needs to remember that the devil knows our biggest fears and weaknesses, and he will play on those things when you hit even the smallest of bumps on your road of life.  I feel one of my greatest strengths is probably one of my biggest faults.  I am a planner.  I like to have my life mapped out several months in advance.  Well when it comes to money, children, love, etc. that seems damn near impossible.  As much as I want to know exactly what I'm going to do with my child over the summer and for the next school year, because I feel I should have that finalized by now, I can't.  With an upcoming financial change I don't know exactly what I can do and until I hear from other people I'm on hold in those departments.  Letting the ball be in other people's courts is the worst thing for a planner.  I don't like asking for help...who does?  I will bend over backwards to make things work for my child and everyone else who matters to me.  But at the end of the day, no one goes to bed with my thoughts but me.  Alone with my thoughts, my worries, my concerns.  I mastered the "smile and nod" technique years ago.  But pay attention to my voice.  Pay attention to my eyes.  Maybe my voice is not so peppy...do I look at you when we talk? Or when you ask if everything is going good?  I will spend my days with pen to paper, calculating every possible scenario before I speak up.  Again, don't get me wrong....I'm unbelievably happy with my life.  God has blessed me beyond words.  I received a text today stating "it's a new day."  What that meant to that person meant much more to me.  It is a new day, another day I made it.  I'm weeks away from turning 27, and though that is young to most, it isn't for me.  I love hearing older people say..."Don't rush it." "You're only 27." "You still have plenty of time." Blah blah blah...I'm turning 27, I'm a single mom to an almost 5 year old.  I have been married, I have been divorced.  I think sometimes people forget just exactly where I have been, where I want to go.  Almost 27 or not I do know what I see for myself and in my book I'm not rushing it anymore...I was rushing it ten years ago.  Again, alone in my thoughts.

Hear me roar!

So I'm gonna say this once and only once!  There are people in my life who have been removed from my network of friends for reasons that give me a healthier lifestyle.  There are people in my life that I have put at a distance to allow me to maintain sanity.  If I'm not friends with someone anymore it's for good reason.  Maybe they won't just grow up and work a real job like a responsible adult.  Maybe they don't know how to keep it in their marriage and expect me to be okay with it given my past, and expect to continue to make the same mistake over and over again...and just maybe they didn't like it when they realized I learned from my mistakes and don't want any part of it.  Maybe I distance myself from people because they tell lie after lie, so much in fact that they can't keep up with all their stories...then they have to create situations for themselves just to keep up with the people around them...good or bad...Do you ever think that maybe the bad things are happening to us because we are making crappy decisions?  Who wants that kind of attention?  Do you ever think that the good things are happening to us because we have finally learned, or are at least trying to learn, how to turn things over to God and let things happen according to his timing? Why can't people just be happy for other people and not have to try to make up something for themselves?  What about those people who have to share your business with every man, woman, child and dog just so they can look like a "good friend" for being there etc.  My business is my business and it's my business to share it...not yours!  Don't you think when you say, "hope you didn't mind me telling so and so that..." that my "yeah that's fine" answer is only because what damn difference does it make now?!?  And listen, if I'm not friends with someone anymore, again for good reason, I don't need to be kept in the know of what the heck is going on with them....I DON'T CARE!  People have questioned my friendships to people, especially those that I keep at a distance...my answer to them is that I hope one day said person(s) will get the fact that they really do have a good friend in me, mainly because I stick by while they shove me under the bus on a very regular basis.  With that being said, I'm on the verge of throwing my hands up in the air with those "friends kept a distance" because the constant lies and phone calls just to give me a heads up on people I don't care to talk about anymore are just becoming too much and a bit ridiculous.  Enough is enough!  I don't think it really matters what you have been through with a person, hell my best friend of 20 plus years, who I'm no longer friends with, had and still has no problem running her mouth so.....my past is my past keep it out of your mouth unless I need to talk about it...

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will make your paths straight."

It's December? Oh crap, where did this year go?  Each year I think about all the stuff that has gone on, lessons learned and how on earth I could possibly make it through another year if it was as crazy as the last...well with each passing year, I discover that all though my years are pretty different they all are very much the same...Every day I wake up and go to work, now I have a different job, but it's work all the same...every day I spend with Raleigh, she changes every day, but she's my daughter just the same...I talk to my family and see them when I can which is no different from any other year...I see my friends, I take vacations, I meet new people, I quit talking to some....then I may start talking to them again, only to later again not talk to them any more..So really my every day life is no different...I get up, I can breath, I can walk, talk and eat...I can see the people I love, I get to work and pay the bills...it's the emotional aspect of my life, my spiritual aspect of life, my increasing knowledge of life, my health....those are the things that differ from year to year...This year, if I were to go back a year almost to the exact day, was rough...I was saying good bye to certain things and my heart was truly not at peace...breaking each moment for I knew I was not right in my doings and not right in my walk with God, which for me only led to an increase of internal anger.  However, I look back now and realized I made it through...with heart ache, yes but I didn't die....I learned some very powerful lessons and if anything it made me have a come to Jesus meeting with some things....the new year began and my personal life began to change...I thought for the better...quickly I realized, not so much...struggles from the past came slapping me in the face and I knew at that moment the best decision for me was to run and run like the wind from all of it...Certain people had to be removed totally and some just pushed far enough away that when they fell they didn't take me down with them...About half way through the year I was finding peace, finding my way back off the rocky path of the past...On the way, I lost my best friend of 20 plus years...wasn't easy, but they made their choices and I made mine, and for my walk with God to be where I want it to be the friendship needed to be severed.  God knew what he was doing then because in a very short amount of time he placed a person in my life that would forever change my friendships...God knew I needed a trust worthy friend who was upfront and honest with me, but didn't fight over the petty stuff...She became my best friend quicker then I could blink...Hell, she's more like a sister to me!  A true friendship that I value so much and that I needed so much.  She has heard my story and I have heard hers and we, daily, walk by each other in support and appreciation for what we know and have been through and what we continue to learn.  I'm ending my year in a place that I have longed to be...in a place that I once tried to convince myself I was in, but I knew wasn't true...a true place of happiness and peace.  My heart no longer aches of loneliness nor does hurt from the rejection...Someone has came into my life that truly fits my "needs" and goes above and beyond my "wants." My heart is at peace with my family...Raleigh and I continue to grow together and learn from each other...my friends, even though there are few, are the exact ones I need in my life and want in my life...my health is on the uphill track of being where I have longed for it to be...my walk with God?  Well after many heated arguments with the Man upstairs, I have found my understanding and my forgiveness and look forward to continuing my walk with Him and making it stronger....sharing my love for His word with my child, my family, my friends and strangers I meet....God is good and patience goes a long way....
.......I knew I would meet you and was very excited about it, but in my heart I wasn't really looking...I found you unexpectedly and wouldn't change what we now have for anything.  You are the answer to my prayers!