Just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?

It's just one of those days...not a pitty party kind of day, but just a day of doubt.  My head runs a thousand different directions when it comes to money and how to pay bills.  Then I go to school, which kicks my tail.  I know I'm not dumb, but who am I kidding with the classes I'm taking? Do I really have it in me to succeed onto a different level? I can't pronounce half of those words and I'm expected to take the hardest test of my life in five months....and pass it!! Did I mention the national pass rate is 54%? Yeah, I know....maybe the jokes on me...I have a plan in my head on how I see my life playing out....but most days it feels as if that will never happen.  So I ask...is it just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?  I have motivation and I have drive...but the direction I need is out of my reach...always...I know what I want and I see what could be mine, but in some aspects of my life, there is only so much I can do on my side of the fence...where to go? what to do? Do I question some things or let them be? Where is this life of mine going?

In My Daughter's Eyes

Well it seems to have been like a million years since my last posting, so this is highly likely to just be a cluster f*** of a blog...Raleigh started kindergarten today...she is so excited about school and I am so excited for her, but it was one of the hardest drop offs ever!  My baby, all grown up!  She is unbelievable smart so I know she will do well and I look forward to her finding a place in this world.  Not only did she start school, I made the decision to go back as well.  So, therefore, today marked my first day of school as well.  I think I was more nervous about it all then Raleigh...actually I know I was.  Anyways, life is constantly changing and staying the same all at once..how does that happen?  My friend sent me a post today telling me how proud she is of how far I've come over the last 2 years...2 years! Wow! Life was so different then and I was struggling beyond explanation.  I have found a happiness that I don't know I believed would ever happen for me, and I know some wish wouldn't happen for me.  I didn't find it alone though.  I walk hand in hand with God everyday to stay steady and my family and friends have supported me all the way.  And my daughter, well hence the song reference..she's my hero...I know she feels what I feel and poor girl is just as emotional as me.  We steady each other at the same time we collide with each other.  Each day I find myself looking towards the future and determining the best ways to prepare for what's in store.  Do I know exactly what's in store?  Well no, but I do see the path God is laying in front of me...Things are changing and ideas and beliefs are changing...I'm learning from my past decisions and my past attitudes..working hard on my patience level, working hard on letting things be on God's time, working hard to not anger easily and to think before I speak.  Working hard to accept that some people will never see my personal growth and to be okay with that.  Learning that I can't continue to let people run my life, or attempt it....Learning that all I can do is keep hoping and praying for people and trusting that one day they'll see me as God sees me and as those who love me see me.  As a person who is trying to better their life for themselves and their child.  As a person who has learned from the past and works daily to let it go and use it as a lesson, not a mistake.  Back to my little one...well we are growing and learning together...we dance in the kitchen, we giggle and play...I teach her and she teaches me...I do see for my future and hers a larger family unit and as we build on that we are going to keep dancing to "her song..."

How do you get writer's block when it's just thoughts?

As a child, running by a fence hitting it with a stick is fun...it makes noise, it irritates the neighbors, it's something you probably shouldn't do, but not so bad you get in severe trouble.  But never as a child would you get that this picture could plague your mind in another way.  Figuratively, as adults this is what we do to agitate the devil on the other side.  I never thought of it this way until here recently.  I'm walking down the path of life with everything seemingly going well.  I have a great job, great relationships, a great child, great family, etc....but I feel myself running down that fence line with my stick stirring the devil on the other side.  You know, the devil who waits for the perfect time where you are vulnerable.  I may be rocking down the path of God, but I still have stressors in my life, which is natural.  Well those stressors scream to the devil that it's perfect time to attempt his sabotage.  My mind here recently has been flooded with thoughts, so many thoughts that I even appear distant to myself.  I thought writing would help but when it came down to it, I had writers block....How in the hell do you get writers block when it's your own thoughts?  I don't know.  Well I've been trucking along this incredible path for sometime now.  And I am loving every minute of it, but if you think I don't still have struggles, well then you are highly mistaken.  Everyone needs to remember that the devil knows our biggest fears and weaknesses, and he will play on those things when you hit even the smallest of bumps on your road of life.  I feel one of my greatest strengths is probably one of my biggest faults.  I am a planner.  I like to have my life mapped out several months in advance.  Well when it comes to money, children, love, etc. that seems damn near impossible.  As much as I want to know exactly what I'm going to do with my child over the summer and for the next school year, because I feel I should have that finalized by now, I can't.  With an upcoming financial change I don't know exactly what I can do and until I hear from other people I'm on hold in those departments.  Letting the ball be in other people's courts is the worst thing for a planner.  I don't like asking for help...who does?  I will bend over backwards to make things work for my child and everyone else who matters to me.  But at the end of the day, no one goes to bed with my thoughts but me.  Alone with my thoughts, my worries, my concerns.  I mastered the "smile and nod" technique years ago.  But pay attention to my voice.  Pay attention to my eyes.  Maybe my voice is not so peppy...do I look at you when we talk? Or when you ask if everything is going good?  I will spend my days with pen to paper, calculating every possible scenario before I speak up.  Again, don't get me wrong....I'm unbelievably happy with my life.  God has blessed me beyond words.  I received a text today stating "it's a new day."  What that meant to that person meant much more to me.  It is a new day, another day I made it.  I'm weeks away from turning 27, and though that is young to most, it isn't for me.  I love hearing older people say..."Don't rush it." "You're only 27." "You still have plenty of time." Blah blah blah...I'm turning 27, I'm a single mom to an almost 5 year old.  I have been married, I have been divorced.  I think sometimes people forget just exactly where I have been, where I want to go.  Almost 27 or not I do know what I see for myself and in my book I'm not rushing it anymore...I was rushing it ten years ago.  Again, alone in my thoughts.

Hear me roar!

So I'm gonna say this once and only once!  There are people in my life who have been removed from my network of friends for reasons that give me a healthier lifestyle.  There are people in my life that I have put at a distance to allow me to maintain sanity.  If I'm not friends with someone anymore it's for good reason.  Maybe they won't just grow up and work a real job like a responsible adult.  Maybe they don't know how to keep it in their marriage and expect me to be okay with it given my past, and expect to continue to make the same mistake over and over again...and just maybe they didn't like it when they realized I learned from my mistakes and don't want any part of it.  Maybe I distance myself from people because they tell lie after lie, so much in fact that they can't keep up with all their stories...then they have to create situations for themselves just to keep up with the people around them...good or bad...Do you ever think that maybe the bad things are happening to us because we are making crappy decisions?  Who wants that kind of attention?  Do you ever think that the good things are happening to us because we have finally learned, or are at least trying to learn, how to turn things over to God and let things happen according to his timing? Why can't people just be happy for other people and not have to try to make up something for themselves?  What about those people who have to share your business with every man, woman, child and dog just so they can look like a "good friend" for being there etc.  My business is my business and it's my business to share it...not yours!  Don't you think when you say, "hope you didn't mind me telling so and so that..." that my "yeah that's fine" answer is only because what damn difference does it make now?!?  And listen, if I'm not friends with someone anymore, again for good reason, I don't need to be kept in the know of what the heck is going on with them....I DON'T CARE!  People have questioned my friendships to people, especially those that I keep at a distance...my answer to them is that I hope one day said person(s) will get the fact that they really do have a good friend in me, mainly because I stick by while they shove me under the bus on a very regular basis.  With that being said, I'm on the verge of throwing my hands up in the air with those "friends kept a distance" because the constant lies and phone calls just to give me a heads up on people I don't care to talk about anymore are just becoming too much and a bit ridiculous.  Enough is enough!  I don't think it really matters what you have been through with a person, hell my best friend of 20 plus years, who I'm no longer friends with, had and still has no problem running her mouth so.....my past is my past keep it out of your mouth unless I need to talk about it...