Tears that fall....

Hiding behind a smile is what I do best....most days.  No one sees what happens when I'm laying in bed in the quiet not talking to anyone.  And I even do my best to hide the tears over the phone.  The battle between my heart and head is always constant, daily battling each other over every life matter.  What is right?  What is wrong? Turn left or turn right? Eat that? Don't eat that! Buy this or not?  Stay or go?  On and on and on and on.....The skeletons in my closet, even though most are not hidden away from the world, are busting through the door weighing heavy on my heart and heavy on my mind.  I have a story to tell and I try to tell it when I can, but in the process you get those who are family etc who don't want others to know just really how messed up you are and those who just think you are full of shit and that your story would never compare to theirs.  By the way, I don't want to compare to "your" story, mine's sick enough!  Then even though I wanna say everything, I can't because some people don't know everything, mainly out of protection of their own mind.  Then you meet the new people and you have decide just how soon you share your story.  Some say certain things are better left unsaid, some say wait until you "really know someone"....by the way what the hell does that mean?....Others say the past is the past and don't dwell on it....I don't dwell on my past, I just know that my past is what has taught me so many lessons in life and without the learning experience my world would be so different...so as decisions of life haunt me so does my story.....

There's a random post for you....welcome to my brain!

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

So I guess the new thing for people is having a bucket list...I guess I've always had one but now I'm going to put on paper (well the computer/modern day paper)....This will for sure be an ever changing post.  I will even jot down the items that were on there, that I have already accomplished...

My Bucket List:

1. See a NFL game.........Check
2. Attend a Nascar race
3. Attend a National Hockey League game
4. Go to New York and see a broadway show
5. Own a wolf
6. See Canada...............Check
7. Zip line through a rain forest somewhere like Hawaii
8. Write my name in the sand of beach other than the gulf...............check
9. Take a cruise...even though I'm terrified of boats
10. Go to Alaska
11. Go to a foreign country...maybe somewhere in Europe or Australia..maybe Paris, Scotland or anywhere
12. Go back to Washington DC with my little girl
13. Take Raleigh to Disney World
14. Share my story with a group of people
15. Go back to college-get my bachelors
16. Build my own house
17. Be able to give back to those who need it more
18. Lose my last 25 pounds and keep it off!
19. Run a marathon
20. Visit Carlo's Bakery
21. Take time to hear and note the story of the grandparents I have left
22. Leave a story of triumph over tribulation where in the end my daughter was raised to the best of my ability and I can leave happy with where my life went.

I'm sure this list will lengthen over time...some things are big, some things are not, but they are my things!

"Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child." ~ Mary MacCracken

It came in the mail today....the "Back to School Night" reminder...Again, I hoped for this day and still, as excited as I am for Raleigh, I dread this day....By mid-August my child will no longer be my little Monkey running around, she will be my big Monkey walking off with back pack in hand to a world she's unfamiliar with...a world that she will spend the next several years in...Maybe my biggest fear is how much I hated school and how cruel kids were ten plus years ago...In my line of work, I get to see just how much more cruel kids are today...oh the fear!  The fear that it could be my kid getting bullied, or even being the bully...I pray for neither and though the title quote says to be honest, this year the honesty of my excitement will shine through, but the honesty of my fears will stay hidden.  This is not the time to show my child my fears for her, she's too excited about becoming a "big girl getting to carry her big girl back pack."  I know I'm not the only mom out there, and mom's with kids in school will tell me it will be okay...I'm sure it will, but I can't help but want to draw closer to her keeping her mommy's little girl for the next 15 days and thereafter when I can get away with it.  So from today until the 17th, we are going to swim, ride bikes, play at the park, feed the ducks, watch Tangled, color pictures, play mom and sister or mom and babysitter and without her even knowing I'm going to be soaking all of it in because before long we'll be doing homework together, going to sporting events, dances, etc.  She'll always be mommy's little monkey regardless of her age and school status, but I'm no fool...the older she gets the less she will want everyone to know that...even if she loves me to the moon and back and then some!