Hi I'm Kodi and I'm a.....

Isn't that how all anonymous meetings are started out..."Hi, I'm (insert name) and I'm an addict"....I would say I'm addicted to life's pain...or that's how it feels at times.  Addicted to the frustrations of the uncertainty, addicted to heart ache, addicted to all the pain that it is caused because that's when you know you can feel...Oh my history is a colorful one...one that I don't mind speaking about, but out of respect for some family I'll spare the details...I do believe there comes a point in your life when you finally learn from your own life and realize it just wasn't working...time to try something new...however, in the midst of all this is when what one would call a "relapse" can happen...now don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic or drug addict, that's not the case...there are other addictions in life besides those things...just wanted to make that clear...It seemed that I had kept it all together for so long...in fact a good ten years...and even in those years I faced struggles that would bring cause to "relapse."  But I never did...so why 6 months ago did my world so suddenly change and my ability to handle such stressors??  I made some choices that will forever affect the way I handle certain things or think about certain things...I was given a chance to make new for myself and learn a huge lesson in wants vs needs, etc....I thought I had it all lined up...just how it was suppose to be...my road no longer winding with huge pot holes, but more straight and smooth with minor speed bumps...I guess I didn't...Causing "relapse"...Today I learned a huge lesson in life...one I've learned a thousand times, but am now accepting...Today I learned, again, not to take things for granted, never settle for anything less than what you want, be happy with the life you live, put God first, what you want is not always what you need, what you need you may not always get the way you want, never take for granted the relationships in your life...I like to tell people that to be a part of my life they have to accept my past because it's a part of me but the truth is....I have to accept my past...I have to overcome my past...my "addiction" needs to be a part of my past not my present or my future...So tomorrow is a new day for me...a day that will mark a new beginning, a new count...when a "relapse" occurs your time starts all over...so even if I had a good ten years, I don't now and I accept that....

Marathon Mind...Forgive Me

It seems here lately I lay down and my mind just races with everything that I need to do...I'm still fairly new to my job and even though it's flexible in the hours, it is definitely non stop.  I'm always thinking of things that I need to do...people to e mail or text, places to go, things to look up...All this definitely makes it hard to sleep...the lack of sleep I have been experiencing is just never good...gets you to thinking about other aspects of your life, the choices you've made, the choices you should have made, etc....well it definitely makes me think of some things or shall I say a thing that is constantly haunting me...how do I let go?  I'm reminded regularly about a choice that was made...made as a good decision, but........
Talking to someone is an option, I guess...but who do you go to? who do you trust? I know I am not alone in this situation, that someone else may have made the same choice...I wish it could just be forgotten, but that's not how life nor this world operates..."You can't run from your past" people will say...I'm not, but must I be constantly reminded of some things that have happened?  I wanna let it go, be done with it, move on....
Will the lack of silence in the silence ever go away?...Will the pictures in a dark room ever disappear?...I know I don't technically ever want to forget you, the choice I made, but I want you to take a sabbatical or something for a minute...give me some space, let me breathe...You, my choice, will always be a part of my life, but God I'm asking that you take my choice out of my dreams, my constant thoughts, etc.  Maybe God, you have begun that process by shining light on someone who....I don't know....just thank you...And God, may I work even harder to let this go and give it to you!

Day Dream Believer....

In an effort to get to know me better I was asked by someone what some of my dreams were...I sat thinking on how I answer that....I quickly start writing back a list of things only to realize I wouldn't consider those dreams but goals...so what are my dreams?  Do I have any?  In an effort for this person to get to know me better, I ended up learning something new about myself....Everyone has dreams of being famous, making a difference in the world, being rich, etc...but realistically speaking I can't say that I have any...is that just ridiculous???  I have goals aren't those technically more realistic?  Goals to finish my bachelors, be the best mom I can be to Raleigh, be a better wife to whoever is brave enough to marry me than I was to Danny, always live within my means, wake up everyday thankful for what I do have, always work hard to obtain things independently...wait I guess I may have a dream or two...my dreams aren't for me though...they are for my child...my hopes and dreams are for my child...that she grow up not experiencing some of the trauma I did, but experiencing some to know that life is not perfect...that she works hard and knows how important she is to everyone....that she never let the words of another person define who she is or what she can accomplish...that she knows she can do anything she puts her mind to so long as her faith in God is strong...that she is never alone in this world....that I am always here....so what are my dreams????  That Raleigh know a life that is not perfect but trusts in the Lord everyday that he will guide her through and provide for her making her life "perfect" for her...

Missing Motivation....

November 9, 2009...weight = 198.50 lbs

April 4, 2011...weight = 157.00 lbs

15 to 20 more lbs to go....just 15 to 20...that should be nothing right?  I mean I've dropped 41 pounds in the last year and a half and have kept it off so what's 15 to 20 more????

Missing motivation is the answer....I'm soul searching and soul searching to find that motivation....

Things I've tried:
LA Weight Loss
Doctor's Clinic
Weight Watchers
Endless Fad diet supplements
Metabolic Research Center

What did I learn?  Fast results gets you an empty check book, weight lossed until you stop all the supplements then it all comes back plus some...

I finally realized dropping the weight the right way...ya know?  Portion control, exercise, no cokes, etc...actually is the best way...

But still....MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU?????