Just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?

It's just one of those days...not a pitty party kind of day, but just a day of doubt.  My head runs a thousand different directions when it comes to money and how to pay bills.  Then I go to school, which kicks my tail.  I know I'm not dumb, but who am I kidding with the classes I'm taking? Do I really have it in me to succeed onto a different level? I can't pronounce half of those words and I'm expected to take the hardest test of my life in five months....and pass it!! Did I mention the national pass rate is 54%? Yeah, I know....maybe the jokes on me...I have a plan in my head on how I see my life playing out....but most days it feels as if that will never happen.  So I ask...is it just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?  I have motivation and I have drive...but the direction I need is out of my reach...always...I know what I want and I see what could be mine, but in some aspects of my life, there is only so much I can do on my side of the fence...where to go? what to do? Do I question some things or let them be? Where is this life of mine going?

In My Daughter's Eyes

Well it seems to have been like a million years since my last posting, so this is highly likely to just be a cluster f*** of a blog...Raleigh started kindergarten today...she is so excited about school and I am so excited for her, but it was one of the hardest drop offs ever!  My baby, all grown up!  She is unbelievable smart so I know she will do well and I look forward to her finding a place in this world.  Not only did she start school, I made the decision to go back as well.  So, therefore, today marked my first day of school as well.  I think I was more nervous about it all then Raleigh...actually I know I was.  Anyways, life is constantly changing and staying the same all at once..how does that happen?  My friend sent me a post today telling me how proud she is of how far I've come over the last 2 years...2 years! Wow! Life was so different then and I was struggling beyond explanation.  I have found a happiness that I don't know I believed would ever happen for me, and I know some wish wouldn't happen for me.  I didn't find it alone though.  I walk hand in hand with God everyday to stay steady and my family and friends have supported me all the way.  And my daughter, well hence the song reference..she's my hero...I know she feels what I feel and poor girl is just as emotional as me.  We steady each other at the same time we collide with each other.  Each day I find myself looking towards the future and determining the best ways to prepare for what's in store.  Do I know exactly what's in store?  Well no, but I do see the path God is laying in front of me...Things are changing and ideas and beliefs are changing...I'm learning from my past decisions and my past attitudes..working hard on my patience level, working hard on letting things be on God's time, working hard to not anger easily and to think before I speak.  Working hard to accept that some people will never see my personal growth and to be okay with that.  Learning that I can't continue to let people run my life, or attempt it....Learning that all I can do is keep hoping and praying for people and trusting that one day they'll see me as God sees me and as those who love me see me.  As a person who is trying to better their life for themselves and their child.  As a person who has learned from the past and works daily to let it go and use it as a lesson, not a mistake.  Back to my little one...well we are growing and learning together...we dance in the kitchen, we giggle and play...I teach her and she teaches me...I do see for my future and hers a larger family unit and as we build on that we are going to keep dancing to "her song..."

How do you get writer's block when it's just thoughts?

As a child, running by a fence hitting it with a stick is fun...it makes noise, it irritates the neighbors, it's something you probably shouldn't do, but not so bad you get in severe trouble.  But never as a child would you get that this picture could plague your mind in another way.  Figuratively, as adults this is what we do to agitate the devil on the other side.  I never thought of it this way until here recently.  I'm walking down the path of life with everything seemingly going well.  I have a great job, great relationships, a great child, great family, etc....but I feel myself running down that fence line with my stick stirring the devil on the other side.  You know, the devil who waits for the perfect time where you are vulnerable.  I may be rocking down the path of God, but I still have stressors in my life, which is natural.  Well those stressors scream to the devil that it's perfect time to attempt his sabotage.  My mind here recently has been flooded with thoughts, so many thoughts that I even appear distant to myself.  I thought writing would help but when it came down to it, I had writers block....How in the hell do you get writers block when it's your own thoughts?  I don't know.  Well I've been trucking along this incredible path for sometime now.  And I am loving every minute of it, but if you think I don't still have struggles, well then you are highly mistaken.  Everyone needs to remember that the devil knows our biggest fears and weaknesses, and he will play on those things when you hit even the smallest of bumps on your road of life.  I feel one of my greatest strengths is probably one of my biggest faults.  I am a planner.  I like to have my life mapped out several months in advance.  Well when it comes to money, children, love, etc. that seems damn near impossible.  As much as I want to know exactly what I'm going to do with my child over the summer and for the next school year, because I feel I should have that finalized by now, I can't.  With an upcoming financial change I don't know exactly what I can do and until I hear from other people I'm on hold in those departments.  Letting the ball be in other people's courts is the worst thing for a planner.  I don't like asking for help...who does?  I will bend over backwards to make things work for my child and everyone else who matters to me.  But at the end of the day, no one goes to bed with my thoughts but me.  Alone with my thoughts, my worries, my concerns.  I mastered the "smile and nod" technique years ago.  But pay attention to my voice.  Pay attention to my eyes.  Maybe my voice is not so peppy...do I look at you when we talk? Or when you ask if everything is going good?  I will spend my days with pen to paper, calculating every possible scenario before I speak up.  Again, don't get me wrong....I'm unbelievably happy with my life.  God has blessed me beyond words.  I received a text today stating "it's a new day."  What that meant to that person meant much more to me.  It is a new day, another day I made it.  I'm weeks away from turning 27, and though that is young to most, it isn't for me.  I love hearing older people say..."Don't rush it." "You're only 27." "You still have plenty of time." Blah blah blah...I'm turning 27, I'm a single mom to an almost 5 year old.  I have been married, I have been divorced.  I think sometimes people forget just exactly where I have been, where I want to go.  Almost 27 or not I do know what I see for myself and in my book I'm not rushing it anymore...I was rushing it ten years ago.  Again, alone in my thoughts.

Hear me roar!

So I'm gonna say this once and only once!  There are people in my life who have been removed from my network of friends for reasons that give me a healthier lifestyle.  There are people in my life that I have put at a distance to allow me to maintain sanity.  If I'm not friends with someone anymore it's for good reason.  Maybe they won't just grow up and work a real job like a responsible adult.  Maybe they don't know how to keep it in their marriage and expect me to be okay with it given my past, and expect to continue to make the same mistake over and over again...and just maybe they didn't like it when they realized I learned from my mistakes and don't want any part of it.  Maybe I distance myself from people because they tell lie after lie, so much in fact that they can't keep up with all their stories...then they have to create situations for themselves just to keep up with the people around them...good or bad...Do you ever think that maybe the bad things are happening to us because we are making crappy decisions?  Who wants that kind of attention?  Do you ever think that the good things are happening to us because we have finally learned, or are at least trying to learn, how to turn things over to God and let things happen according to his timing? Why can't people just be happy for other people and not have to try to make up something for themselves?  What about those people who have to share your business with every man, woman, child and dog just so they can look like a "good friend" for being there etc.  My business is my business and it's my business to share it...not yours!  Don't you think when you say, "hope you didn't mind me telling so and so that..." that my "yeah that's fine" answer is only because what damn difference does it make now?!?  And listen, if I'm not friends with someone anymore, again for good reason, I don't need to be kept in the know of what the heck is going on with them....I DON'T CARE!  People have questioned my friendships to people, especially those that I keep at a distance...my answer to them is that I hope one day said person(s) will get the fact that they really do have a good friend in me, mainly because I stick by while they shove me under the bus on a very regular basis.  With that being said, I'm on the verge of throwing my hands up in the air with those "friends kept a distance" because the constant lies and phone calls just to give me a heads up on people I don't care to talk about anymore are just becoming too much and a bit ridiculous.  Enough is enough!  I don't think it really matters what you have been through with a person, hell my best friend of 20 plus years, who I'm no longer friends with, had and still has no problem running her mouth so.....my past is my past keep it out of your mouth unless I need to talk about it...

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will make your paths straight."

It's December? Oh crap, where did this year go?  Each year I think about all the stuff that has gone on, lessons learned and how on earth I could possibly make it through another year if it was as crazy as the last...well with each passing year, I discover that all though my years are pretty different they all are very much the same...Every day I wake up and go to work, now I have a different job, but it's work all the same...every day I spend with Raleigh, she changes every day, but she's my daughter just the same...I talk to my family and see them when I can which is no different from any other year...I see my friends, I take vacations, I meet new people, I quit talking to some....then I may start talking to them again, only to later again not talk to them any more..So really my every day life is no different...I get up, I can breath, I can walk, talk and eat...I can see the people I love, I get to work and pay the bills...it's the emotional aspect of my life, my spiritual aspect of life, my increasing knowledge of life, my health....those are the things that differ from year to year...This year, if I were to go back a year almost to the exact day, was rough...I was saying good bye to certain things and my heart was truly not at peace...breaking each moment for I knew I was not right in my doings and not right in my walk with God, which for me only led to an increase of internal anger.  However, I look back now and realized I made it through...with heart ache, yes but I didn't die....I learned some very powerful lessons and if anything it made me have a come to Jesus meeting with some things....the new year began and my personal life began to change...I thought for the better...quickly I realized, not so much...struggles from the past came slapping me in the face and I knew at that moment the best decision for me was to run and run like the wind from all of it...Certain people had to be removed totally and some just pushed far enough away that when they fell they didn't take me down with them...About half way through the year I was finding peace, finding my way back off the rocky path of the past...On the way, I lost my best friend of 20 plus years...wasn't easy, but they made their choices and I made mine, and for my walk with God to be where I want it to be the friendship needed to be severed.  God knew what he was doing then because in a very short amount of time he placed a person in my life that would forever change my friendships...God knew I needed a trust worthy friend who was upfront and honest with me, but didn't fight over the petty stuff...She became my best friend quicker then I could blink...Hell, she's more like a sister to me!  A true friendship that I value so much and that I needed so much.  She has heard my story and I have heard hers and we, daily, walk by each other in support and appreciation for what we know and have been through and what we continue to learn.  I'm ending my year in a place that I have longed to be...in a place that I once tried to convince myself I was in, but I knew wasn't true...a true place of happiness and peace.  My heart no longer aches of loneliness nor does hurt from the rejection...Someone has came into my life that truly fits my "needs" and goes above and beyond my "wants." My heart is at peace with my family...Raleigh and I continue to grow together and learn from each other...my friends, even though there are few, are the exact ones I need in my life and want in my life...my health is on the uphill track of being where I have longed for it to be...my walk with God?  Well after many heated arguments with the Man upstairs, I have found my understanding and my forgiveness and look forward to continuing my walk with Him and making it stronger....sharing my love for His word with my child, my family, my friends and strangers I meet....God is good and patience goes a long way....
.......I knew I would meet you and was very excited about it, but in my heart I wasn't really looking...I found you unexpectedly and wouldn't change what we now have for anything.  You are the answer to my prayers!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

So as we roll into another holiday season it never fails that life just gets bumpy.  I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, but it just seems that today and the few days passed life decided to wake me up a crappy hand.  I have separated from a family unit for sometime...this being my 3rd round of holidays where tradition is now totally different.  It never is easy, but some things just make it worse.  Now, it's not my sole decision to blast certain things about my life on the internet for the sake of my family, but we all know I am not perfect.  Well today, someone who I deal with regularly out of necessity jumped my case for his own pleasure.  I know this time of year probably isn't his favorite too, but we have to make the best of it...or at least try...well after being reamed I lost it like always.  What it boils down to is this person will never know how much I love them still and how much I care.  How much I just want them to be happy and how much I truly do appreciate everything they do for me and my child.  The person will never know the sense of guilt I wake up with every day and face every day.  And that each and every day is a new day for me to overcome such guilt.  A lot of people in my position have no guilt or remorse for certain decisions and those people make those of us who do have remorse and guilt pay dearly.  What not everyone seems to understand is that everyone is different and everyone makes mistakes...and everyone pays for it in their own time...and some of us actually kick ourselves in the butt regularly for choices we have made.  I just wanted to find happiness in life...that was the only reason why my choice was made...the mistake I made in the process makes that seem differently and I hate that...however, I can't spend the rest of my life proving to said person that I am sorry a million times over and I battle guilt and shame everyday...because everyday there is a reminder that the mistake I made was huge and inconsiderate...I always try to learn from my mistakes and I truly and honestly feel that I have...I can't force that person to see that...said person has to in their own time and their own way...I will rise above this and not let it tear me down each and every time I get jumped on...but being torn down to me is prove enough that there is a heart deep within me and that the blood it's pumping is not ice cold......I do my best, which some days I suck at, but I try not to throw people's lives in their face...after all it's our own lives and we make our own choices and we live with those choices and it is our own choice to learn from it or not...My life does not need to be thrown in my face to remember where I've been, where I come from and where I am...I know all on my own just what my path has been....One thing I know for sure is never say never, that I will always love and care for said person for more than one reason, that Raleigh is my life and I do everything I can to give her everything she needs and to have a good life without over spoiling her and that I will always remember where I come from and I will always be the one to kick my own butt...I need no help in that department, but thanks for making the offer...Just remember all who read this or all who don't....as soon as you point the finger at me, you're right I may be guilty of something, but so are you, as those three fingers are pointing back at you.....just some food for thought...

"If you didn't need a pill to get fat, why would you need one to get unfat? "

I know this pictures is crooked, but hopefully by the end of this blog you will get my point...at least I hope...This picture was taken at my heaviest...Awhile back I had posted about my weight loss journey and where I started...which by the way, posting my heaviest weight on a public site is never the easiest thing to do.....anyways...I started out my journey weighing in at 198.5 on November 9, 2009, wearing an extra large in shirts and size 16 in pants...awful I know.  We all know I tried every fad diet under the sun which I always ended up bailing on.  I never was one who enjoyed working out...in fact, my main form of exercise was maybe climbing the stairs at my parents or leaning over to grab the remote off the coffee table.   That's the honest truth!  Come January 2010 I had probably shed around 20 pounds and kept going until I had reached about thirty pounds lost.  After that, the only time I paid much attention to my weight was if I had to weigh at the doctor's office.  I was noticing that even though I was yet to reach my goal weight, I was still maintaining the weight I had lost.  That by itself was a big accomplishment...Then around August, my best friend and I decided we would look into a work out routine that we enjoyed...and we all know our favorite thing to do is...dance!!  So we found a place that held Zumba classes and we fell in love...In fact, we loved it so much that we figured why not get paid to do it so now we are Certified Zumba Instructors!  So about a month into Zumba I knew I was doing better but not doing as good as I could be in the weight loss department.  So my best friend and I talked about it and decided we would commit to weight watchers.  We have been going strong with the program for about six weeks and I am happy to announce that two years later I am a size 8, not 16, and my weight as of today is 152.2 for a total weight loss of......46.3 pounds!  I still have a few more pounds to go to reach my goal, but every day I am one step closer!  Look at me now!