"What the daughter does, the mother did." ~Jewish Proverb

The time is coming.....a time that I was so excited to see, but now fear the most.  My daughter, the light of my life and my rock, will be four Sunday.  Where has time gone?  I remember the first few days of her life.  Just rocking her and feeding her.  Laughing to her giggle in her sleep and intently listening to every coo.  Those days I prayed for the days she was to transfer from formula to milk and from diapers to toilet.  With the milk days came the words...words, words and more words....and her walking skills.  After that came the toilet days, the table food and SENTENCES!!  I would laugh at how words came out and work with her on how to say things correctly.  So thankful and impressed with how knowledgable she was and how fast she potty trained.  The check book was thankful too.  Then I grew with excitement for the days she wanted to pick out her own clothes, to show her sense of style, and Lord, her first day of school!  What could be more exciting.  Now with my little monkey, who is over half my height already, is nearing four which means school starts in exactly a month from her birthday.  I'm elated that now I will get to see and hear all the things she is learning.  After all, she can spell her name and just almost write her name on her own.  She is non stop talking and quoting songs, etc.  I can't help but now be sad and fear.  Sad that she isn't the tiny little baby rocking in my arms depending on me to bathe her, pick out her clothes and figure out her needs.  Fear that with school all sorts of new experiences will arise...good and bad, the bad I fear so much.  Now she picks out her own clothes, which is always interesting, and the imagination and creativity my child possess' is beyond my wildest dreams.  She still cuddles with me and loves me like I need her too, but she has also developed some independence.  She is so tiny to me and to envision this little one standing in the lunch line making choices without my help among other things makes me sad, scared and excited.  My little monkey is just growing up.  Words that she couldn't pronounce right she can now clearly speak.  Where has time gone?  I will continue asking for the rest of my life.  I pray that as my daughter turns four and as she begins school she will learn and grow into a beautiful, smart and wise woman who follows the path God has laid out for her.  I guess I just never knew how scary this really could be.   

Fear Not For He Is With You....

I've decided to put myself on a journey.  A journey in which I need to take...this journey is helping me move past some unnecessary decisions I made in the past and better my relationships with people.  God has re-opened a door in my life, that a first I was hesitant to even peek through because of what has happened in the past...but how fair is that?  The past was a journey, an unforgettable one at that.  I needed this door to re-open so that I could work on some things that happened otherwise any relationship I have would most likely fail.  The door re-opening has advanced my relationship with God in ways that I unexpected.  I'm learning things about myself and how life should be lived as a woman of God.  I'm so lucky that I have supportive people standing beside me.  I've only been walking on this path for a few weeks and it has been exciting thus far.  I've realized that my heart still sits where I placed it just over a year ago, and I like it there.  Most days it scares me, but deep inside I know it's right. 

Let Me Let Go...

" And when you begin to want me back...remember YOU let me go."

Lord, I hope this can be followed, I have a thousand things sprinting through my head....I was once told you have to eliminate the negative people in your life and surround yourself with positive Christians...Great idea; however, people aren't always who they seem to be or make themselves out to be...With that being said, I have taken several weeks to pay attention to what my head and my heart are saying.  I have put myself through the ringer, I've put others through the ringer, and others have put me through the ringer.  I am learning that some aspects of my life need to be changed, some things need to be let go of and some people need to be forgiven, including myself...and with that being said I didn't realize that I needed to forgive some people, well a person, and I don't even know if they realize that...We all know that my mistake list is not a short one and we all know that for the most part I'm not quiet about my life and where I've come from and what has taught me my lessons...Someone in my life has repeatedly told me that somethings need to stay private, or don't be real detailed with certain people, or you truly haven't let that go because you get defensive...Come again?  Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for another...Let's get this straight, excuse me while I climb onto my soap box....Some of the things I have done in my past I am over with...excuse me if I get defensive, but I don't take it well when people find the need to judge...so get off your high horse telling me that "I haven't let it go"  There is something I am still dealing with and over the last few weeks I have realized that I need to just forgive myself and forgive the other person that did have a say in it too...I know God forgives me, thank the Lord!  I was going to go talk to someone and see if they can help me forgive myself and forgive that person...That person was going to go with me and then came at me saying if I'm going to bash them they won't go...Seriously?!?  It's not about you!!!  So this got my mind to thinking...Dealing with this on my own is the best way...you didn't involve yourself the first go around so you might as well remove yourself from the second go around.  I've realized I need to make some choices and there are people who need to be removed from my life...some people needed to be added back and some need to stay.  I'm discovering that relationships with my family, my ex husband and a handful of my friends are extremely important.  I am realizing that just because some people are good people they are not good people for me...okay off my soap box and in a nut shell...I'm letting go...I have some really positive people in my life and those people will stay...I love them and they support me for who I am and where I come from...

Birthday Blessings

So today is my birthday...Normally, I talk it up for months and then dread it when it actually gets here...mainly because I get my hopes all up for nothing...lesson learned...this has been the greatest birthday in forever...well since my birthday spent in Oklahoma City...Last night I got to spend shopping with two great girls...my mom and Raleigh...Raleigh got me an awesome shirt that clearly states who I am...She told me to wear it today and then as we were heading out she asked why it wasn't in a birthday bag...LOL...Today, I am sitting at work, barely awake, and I hear..."Kodi, you have a delivery!"  My best friends, Jess and Stephen, surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of my favorite flowers!!  Then a very special person, yes you Jay, took me to Napolis and that is always wonderful...Come back from lunch and some errands and I have yet another delivery...thanks Stephen!  Best friends know you the best!!  I had cupcakes from The Ruffled Cup waiting for me....now just waiting for time to pass so I can go home and have a great dinner with my family...then I get to count down the days until Saturday, because my friends are awesome and we are going to have a great time this weekend...but why is my birthday so great?  Yes because of my wonderful friends and family but even greater blessing happened...My ex husband and I seemed to have found a balance that we have long needed...I continuously pray that we can stay the way we've become...no, we don't find the need to talk all the time, but we are finding a common neutral ground...thanks Danny!!  Really, thank you!

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

"We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way,
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red,
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak; sometimes we're hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we're all the same
We all bleed red."

Oh the cards that have been dealt over the last several days....where did it all begin and where will it all end?  I've wracked my brain, shattered my heart and worn myself out by trying to think about it too much, and fix things that I can not fix.  It's time that I accept the fact that what's done is done and some things just can not be changed and/or fixed.  I made choices based on what my heart and my head told me was the right thing to do.  They were things I prayed about and prayed about...I seeked advice and opinions of others and took time away to get a good look at everything.  Why after all the work I put into making a smart decision for myself do I fight the reality of my decision?  Maybe because I know none of us are perfect, we all deserve a chance....Where I do believe those things are true and will remain true to me I also have to look out for myself.  So I'm no longer doubting my decisions and I am accepting the results of them...good or bad....I was told by someone near and dear to my heart that "some people are in our life for a reason and some for just a season."  This is so true and all though it may be difficult to accept the fact that some are only around for a season, I understand that they are only here temporarily to normally teach me something about my life.  Thanks to those who have just been a season or became just a season and thanks to those who are a reason and have become a reason. 

Freedom

What I saw, maybe other's saw too...but it impacts everyone differently...for me it's a disappointment in my own self..that I disappointed you, let you down, failed you miserably...No one will understand the impact of what I saw has on my heart and my mind and my spirit...people tell me that I am not responsible for the actions of others...and I know in a sense I am not...I'm clinging to the hand of God that he may not drop me down the dark hole I've struggled to climb out of....I've realized over the last several days where my life has been and where it needs to go, but there are still unanswered questions...maybe they will never be answered...no one truly knows but God...just like no one truly knows my heart but God...you may see something when you look deep into my eyes, but they can't tell you everything...they can't explain why my heart breaks the way it does and I why I feel the way I do...The light in my child's eyes and the hope in her smile make a huge difference in the light that shines the doorway of my life...they say when one door closes that another one opens...but we don't always have to like that door being closed...I guess we can fight it tooth and nail but if God wants that door closed then that door is closed....but what if we are in question of a door being open so we close it ourselves?  What then? Trust in the Lord right?  I'm trying...I'm trying to not sacrifice my own self for the happiness of others...I'm trying to not sacrifice my stability to keep another persons foundation solid because after all I can't keep anyone's foundation solid but my own...all I can do is pray for freedom from the ties that hold me to the things that bring me down..pray that God lifts me up and my child that way may see the truth of who is He is and what He wants from and for us.  Trusting that God can be in control of my life is just the process to finding true happiness in all my choices....

Na na na na

People like to tell me that I have to learn not to always be a people pleaser, that I need to learn to put some of my needs and wants before others.  That way my business is taken care of and I feel good about myself and my life...but when I do that I seem to just fail...fail others...and for me, that just is not okay...I would rather come second so that others can come first.  I know all my stuff will fall into place, maybe not as fast, but it will happen...failing others is something that is too tough to live with so it's easier to take care of them first.  My heart aches incredibly when I let others down...I've been trying so hard to rebuild my foundation, making it more solid than it has ever been....I struggle trying to figure out how to do that...one day at a time, by allowing my walk to be hand in hand with God's, by being the best mom I can be, being there for my family and friends...sometimes our lives conflict with each other's...so how do you get past that?  There will always be people in your life who's values, morals, opinions, etc. conflict with your own, but you can't dismiss that person...I guess it may be okay to do that if the person is making negative choices for their life and what not, but what about someone like me who just wants to be there for everyone...be everyone's listener and shoulder to lean on...."You can't change anyone that doesn't want to change"  "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"  all words spoken to me by very smart people...but still, my heart hates giving up on people...