Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will make your paths straight."

It's December? Oh crap, where did this year go?  Each year I think about all the stuff that has gone on, lessons learned and how on earth I could possibly make it through another year if it was as crazy as the last...well with each passing year, I discover that all though my years are pretty different they all are very much the same...Every day I wake up and go to work, now I have a different job, but it's work all the same...every day I spend with Raleigh, she changes every day, but she's my daughter just the same...I talk to my family and see them when I can which is no different from any other year...I see my friends, I take vacations, I meet new people, I quit talking to some....then I may start talking to them again, only to later again not talk to them any more..So really my every day life is no different...I get up, I can breath, I can walk, talk and eat...I can see the people I love, I get to work and pay the bills...it's the emotional aspect of my life, my spiritual aspect of life, my increasing knowledge of life, my health....those are the things that differ from year to year...This year, if I were to go back a year almost to the exact day, was rough...I was saying good bye to certain things and my heart was truly not at peace...breaking each moment for I knew I was not right in my doings and not right in my walk with God, which for me only led to an increase of internal anger.  However, I look back now and realized I made it through...with heart ache, yes but I didn't die....I learned some very powerful lessons and if anything it made me have a come to Jesus meeting with some things....the new year began and my personal life began to change...I thought for the better...quickly I realized, not so much...struggles from the past came slapping me in the face and I knew at that moment the best decision for me was to run and run like the wind from all of it...Certain people had to be removed totally and some just pushed far enough away that when they fell they didn't take me down with them...About half way through the year I was finding peace, finding my way back off the rocky path of the past...On the way, I lost my best friend of 20 plus years...wasn't easy, but they made their choices and I made mine, and for my walk with God to be where I want it to be the friendship needed to be severed.  God knew what he was doing then because in a very short amount of time he placed a person in my life that would forever change my friendships...God knew I needed a trust worthy friend who was upfront and honest with me, but didn't fight over the petty stuff...She became my best friend quicker then I could blink...Hell, she's more like a sister to me!  A true friendship that I value so much and that I needed so much.  She has heard my story and I have heard hers and we, daily, walk by each other in support and appreciation for what we know and have been through and what we continue to learn.  I'm ending my year in a place that I have longed to be...in a place that I once tried to convince myself I was in, but I knew wasn't true...a true place of happiness and peace.  My heart no longer aches of loneliness nor does hurt from the rejection...Someone has came into my life that truly fits my "needs" and goes above and beyond my "wants." My heart is at peace with my family...Raleigh and I continue to grow together and learn from each other...my friends, even though there are few, are the exact ones I need in my life and want in my life...my health is on the uphill track of being where I have longed for it to be...my walk with God?  Well after many heated arguments with the Man upstairs, I have found my understanding and my forgiveness and look forward to continuing my walk with Him and making it stronger....sharing my love for His word with my child, my family, my friends and strangers I meet....God is good and patience goes a long way....
.......I knew I would meet you and was very excited about it, but in my heart I wasn't really looking...I found you unexpectedly and wouldn't change what we now have for anything.  You are the answer to my prayers!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

So as we roll into another holiday season it never fails that life just gets bumpy.  I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, but it just seems that today and the few days passed life decided to wake me up a crappy hand.  I have separated from a family unit for sometime...this being my 3rd round of holidays where tradition is now totally different.  It never is easy, but some things just make it worse.  Now, it's not my sole decision to blast certain things about my life on the internet for the sake of my family, but we all know I am not perfect.  Well today, someone who I deal with regularly out of necessity jumped my case for his own pleasure.  I know this time of year probably isn't his favorite too, but we have to make the best of it...or at least try...well after being reamed I lost it like always.  What it boils down to is this person will never know how much I love them still and how much I care.  How much I just want them to be happy and how much I truly do appreciate everything they do for me and my child.  The person will never know the sense of guilt I wake up with every day and face every day.  And that each and every day is a new day for me to overcome such guilt.  A lot of people in my position have no guilt or remorse for certain decisions and those people make those of us who do have remorse and guilt pay dearly.  What not everyone seems to understand is that everyone is different and everyone makes mistakes...and everyone pays for it in their own time...and some of us actually kick ourselves in the butt regularly for choices we have made.  I just wanted to find happiness in life...that was the only reason why my choice was made...the mistake I made in the process makes that seem differently and I hate that...however, I can't spend the rest of my life proving to said person that I am sorry a million times over and I battle guilt and shame everyday...because everyday there is a reminder that the mistake I made was huge and inconsiderate...I always try to learn from my mistakes and I truly and honestly feel that I have...I can't force that person to see that...said person has to in their own time and their own way...I will rise above this and not let it tear me down each and every time I get jumped on...but being torn down to me is prove enough that there is a heart deep within me and that the blood it's pumping is not ice cold......I do my best, which some days I suck at, but I try not to throw people's lives in their face...after all it's our own lives and we make our own choices and we live with those choices and it is our own choice to learn from it or not...My life does not need to be thrown in my face to remember where I've been, where I come from and where I am...I know all on my own just what my path has been....One thing I know for sure is never say never, that I will always love and care for said person for more than one reason, that Raleigh is my life and I do everything I can to give her everything she needs and to have a good life without over spoiling her and that I will always remember where I come from and I will always be the one to kick my own butt...I need no help in that department, but thanks for making the offer...Just remember all who read this or all who don't....as soon as you point the finger at me, you're right I may be guilty of something, but so are you, as those three fingers are pointing back at you.....just some food for thought...

"If you didn't need a pill to get fat, why would you need one to get unfat? "

I know this pictures is crooked, but hopefully by the end of this blog you will get my point...at least I hope...This picture was taken at my heaviest...Awhile back I had posted about my weight loss journey and where I started...which by the way, posting my heaviest weight on a public site is never the easiest thing to do.....anyways...I started out my journey weighing in at 198.5 on November 9, 2009, wearing an extra large in shirts and size 16 in pants...awful I know.  We all know I tried every fad diet under the sun which I always ended up bailing on.  I never was one who enjoyed working out...in fact, my main form of exercise was maybe climbing the stairs at my parents or leaning over to grab the remote off the coffee table.   That's the honest truth!  Come January 2010 I had probably shed around 20 pounds and kept going until I had reached about thirty pounds lost.  After that, the only time I paid much attention to my weight was if I had to weigh at the doctor's office.  I was noticing that even though I was yet to reach my goal weight, I was still maintaining the weight I had lost.  That by itself was a big accomplishment...Then around August, my best friend and I decided we would look into a work out routine that we enjoyed...and we all know our favorite thing to do is...dance!!  So we found a place that held Zumba classes and we fell in love...In fact, we loved it so much that we figured why not get paid to do it so now we are Certified Zumba Instructors!  So about a month into Zumba I knew I was doing better but not doing as good as I could be in the weight loss department.  So my best friend and I talked about it and decided we would commit to weight watchers.  We have been going strong with the program for about six weeks and I am happy to announce that two years later I am a size 8, not 16, and my weight as of today is 152.2 for a total weight loss of......46.3 pounds!  I still have a few more pounds to go to reach my goal, but every day I am one step closer!  Look at me now!

"Every time you get angry, you poison your own system."

There comes a point in life when you should ask yourself if you have been angry long enough and if you remember why you are so angry in the first place.  If you are to the point that you can't even pin point the exact origin of said anger then being angry for long enough has been way too long....but if you can answer that and recognize what needs to be done then do it!  That doesn't say you necessarily are letting go of the situation but that you are letting go enough that you are bound by it any longer...I realized last October I was becoming very angry with the situation I was in, but wanted to fight to stay there thinking that would go away....come December things only took a turn for the worse; however, I didn't realize that December would only make the anger worse until months later....February came and life dropped an even bigger bomb shell and that is when I truly discovered how angry I was...which is somewhere I haven't been in a long time and for good reason....A couple months went by and I felt better because I worked through the issue and thought it was resolved....never to be seen again...WRONG!  The situation came back because I let the originator back in.....I battled what all of it meant for several months, trying to decide if it was worth the battle or not....Was I learning a lesson in this at all?  Was this consuming to much of my life?  Was this turning me back into someone I don't want to be?  Yes, Yes, and Yes!  Over the last two months I soul searched while maintaining the originator on a decent leash that wasn't too close but wasn't so far away that it was gone...Here recently I have discovered that I just keep letting the leash out and I don't miss it....If I was suppose to be in "that spot" then I would miss it, but I just don't....Here over the last week or so I have decided that happiness is what I want back...not the stress of the anger and the originator....I was beginning to make things into something they weren't, care about things that in all reality I could care less about, etc.  So I am doing me and answering the questions from the beginning of this post....Have I been angry long enough?  Too long!  Can I remember the point of origin?  Absolutely, I will never forget it and for good reason....I don't want to make the same mistake over and over again....I won't let it go because there is something to learn from it all, but I will let it go in the sense that I will no longer hold the leash of the originator so that those angering situations will be a thing of the past....I have discovered great friends, an ability to take care of myself and enjoy it, some one(s) that want to talk to me and let me be me and love me for who I am in all my craziness!  Normally I battle my decision forever, but not this one....this is the right one for me!

Tears that fall....

Hiding behind a smile is what I do best....most days.  No one sees what happens when I'm laying in bed in the quiet not talking to anyone.  And I even do my best to hide the tears over the phone.  The battle between my heart and head is always constant, daily battling each other over every life matter.  What is right?  What is wrong? Turn left or turn right? Eat that? Don't eat that! Buy this or not?  Stay or go?  On and on and on and on.....The skeletons in my closet, even though most are not hidden away from the world, are busting through the door weighing heavy on my heart and heavy on my mind.  I have a story to tell and I try to tell it when I can, but in the process you get those who are family etc who don't want others to know just really how messed up you are and those who just think you are full of shit and that your story would never compare to theirs.  By the way, I don't want to compare to "your" story, mine's sick enough!  Then even though I wanna say everything, I can't because some people don't know everything, mainly out of protection of their own mind.  Then you meet the new people and you have decide just how soon you share your story.  Some say certain things are better left unsaid, some say wait until you "really know someone"....by the way what the hell does that mean?....Others say the past is the past and don't dwell on it....I don't dwell on my past, I just know that my past is what has taught me so many lessons in life and without the learning experience my world would be so different...so as decisions of life haunt me so does my story.....

There's a random post for you....welcome to my brain!

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

So I guess the new thing for people is having a bucket list...I guess I've always had one but now I'm going to put on paper (well the computer/modern day paper)....This will for sure be an ever changing post.  I will even jot down the items that were on there, that I have already accomplished...

My Bucket List:

1. See a NFL game.........Check
2. Attend a Nascar race
3. Attend a National Hockey League game
4. Go to New York and see a broadway show
5. Own a wolf
6. See Canada...............Check
7. Zip line through a rain forest somewhere like Hawaii
8. Write my name in the sand of beach other than the gulf...............check
9. Take a cruise...even though I'm terrified of boats
10. Go to Alaska
11. Go to a foreign country...maybe somewhere in Europe or Australia..maybe Paris, Scotland or anywhere
12. Go back to Washington DC with my little girl
13. Take Raleigh to Disney World
14. Share my story with a group of people
15. Go back to college-get my bachelors
16. Build my own house
17. Be able to give back to those who need it more
18. Lose my last 25 pounds and keep it off!
19. Run a marathon
20. Visit Carlo's Bakery
21. Take time to hear and note the story of the grandparents I have left
22. Leave a story of triumph over tribulation where in the end my daughter was raised to the best of my ability and I can leave happy with where my life went.

I'm sure this list will lengthen over time...some things are big, some things are not, but they are my things!

"Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child." ~ Mary MacCracken

It came in the mail today....the "Back to School Night" reminder...Again, I hoped for this day and still, as excited as I am for Raleigh, I dread this day....By mid-August my child will no longer be my little Monkey running around, she will be my big Monkey walking off with back pack in hand to a world she's unfamiliar with...a world that she will spend the next several years in...Maybe my biggest fear is how much I hated school and how cruel kids were ten plus years ago...In my line of work, I get to see just how much more cruel kids are today...oh the fear!  The fear that it could be my kid getting bullied, or even being the bully...I pray for neither and though the title quote says to be honest, this year the honesty of my excitement will shine through, but the honesty of my fears will stay hidden.  This is not the time to show my child my fears for her, she's too excited about becoming a "big girl getting to carry her big girl back pack."  I know I'm not the only mom out there, and mom's with kids in school will tell me it will be okay...I'm sure it will, but I can't help but want to draw closer to her keeping her mommy's little girl for the next 15 days and thereafter when I can get away with it.  So from today until the 17th, we are going to swim, ride bikes, play at the park, feed the ducks, watch Tangled, color pictures, play mom and sister or mom and babysitter and without her even knowing I'm going to be soaking all of it in because before long we'll be doing homework together, going to sporting events, dances, etc.  She'll always be mommy's little monkey regardless of her age and school status, but I'm no fool...the older she gets the less she will want everyone to know that...even if she loves me to the moon and back and then some!