People like to tell me that I have to learn not to always be a people pleaser, that I need to learn to put some of my needs and wants before others. That way my business is taken care of and I feel good about myself and my life...but when I do that I seem to just fail...fail others...and for me, that just is not okay...I would rather come second so that others can come first. I know all my stuff will fall into place, maybe not as fast, but it will happen...failing others is something that is too tough to live with so it's easier to take care of them first. My heart aches incredibly when I let others down...I've been trying so hard to rebuild my foundation, making it more solid than it has ever been....I struggle trying to figure out how to do that...one day at a time, by allowing my walk to be hand in hand with God's, by being the best mom I can be, being there for my family and friends...sometimes our lives conflict with each other's...so how do you get past that? There will always be people in your life who's values, morals, opinions, etc. conflict with your own, but you can't dismiss that person...I guess it may be okay to do that if the person is making negative choices for their life and what not, but what about someone like me who just wants to be there for everyone...be everyone's listener and shoulder to lean on...."You can't change anyone that doesn't want to change" "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved" all words spoken to me by very smart people...but still, my heart hates giving up on people...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dirty Confessions
"You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."~Tommy Politz
Five months I've avoided church for a reason that haunts me daily...I even sometimes say I fear being struck down if I walk in the doors, but in all reality I know that literally won't happen. I fear walking in and the preacher talking about something that will just hit to close to home, which will cause the flood gates to open and I will become flooded with questions of what is wrong, what is going on? It was Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to my church, with my family....where Raleigh is suppose to be every Sunday...where I am to be taught how to daily walk with God and be able to teach Raleigh how she is suppose to live her life and represent God. I kind of figured today's message would be touching a little too close to home, but not as close as it truly did. Opening message..."You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted." Oh crap! How right was my preacher...I feared the guilt but in the end its the conviction I felt the most...Name your sin, Own you sin, Share your sin....That's what we were told next...I sat there fighting the emotion that sat clearly on my sleeve just because today is not the day for questions...my mom leans over and says "You did that!" Like she was proud of me that I recognized a sin I had committed, I owned it and I shared it and did my best to make ammends with God, my family and a few others. Proud that I continue to share it and not deny a mistake that changed my life...but there is still that one thing that I've named and I have owned but I do not fully share....He says don't take it to your death bed because then it's too late for the people you tell to actually deal with it. It was nice to know that mom was happy that I had done that, but it disappointed me that she doesn't know I'm still not done "sharing." I sat there...very convicted because I'm only half way through the letting go and giving it to God part...Fearing my mom would be watching the tears just fall, I kept my hair down around my face and attempting to do the best at wiping away tears without being noticed...nothing was said, what a relief! At the end of the service he prayed...prayed for those who were convicted and needed the strength to share their sin that they have named and owned...prayed for those who would be the recipient of such secret...he prayed for me and he prayed for my mom...he didn't know it and my mom didn't know it...I made it out of church with no questions...only one question was asked later that day by my mom....."did you like the sermon?" I simply answered yes, hoping that was all that was going to be asked....today was not the day...Oh I fear the day I have to talk about all this...I hate talking about it with anyone, but it's necessary to let go and move on and I know that....it's all a part of the process I guess....all a part of the process of finding the walk with God that I once had....finding the ability to have healthy relationships with people of my past, present and those in the future by letting go of what's already done.....
Five months I've avoided church for a reason that haunts me daily...I even sometimes say I fear being struck down if I walk in the doors, but in all reality I know that literally won't happen. I fear walking in and the preacher talking about something that will just hit to close to home, which will cause the flood gates to open and I will become flooded with questions of what is wrong, what is going on? It was Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to my church, with my family....where Raleigh is suppose to be every Sunday...where I am to be taught how to daily walk with God and be able to teach Raleigh how she is suppose to live her life and represent God. I kind of figured today's message would be touching a little too close to home, but not as close as it truly did. Opening message..."You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted." Oh crap! How right was my preacher...I feared the guilt but in the end its the conviction I felt the most...Name your sin, Own you sin, Share your sin....That's what we were told next...I sat there fighting the emotion that sat clearly on my sleeve just because today is not the day for questions...my mom leans over and says "You did that!" Like she was proud of me that I recognized a sin I had committed, I owned it and I shared it and did my best to make ammends with God, my family and a few others. Proud that I continue to share it and not deny a mistake that changed my life...but there is still that one thing that I've named and I have owned but I do not fully share....He says don't take it to your death bed because then it's too late for the people you tell to actually deal with it. It was nice to know that mom was happy that I had done that, but it disappointed me that she doesn't know I'm still not done "sharing." I sat there...very convicted because I'm only half way through the letting go and giving it to God part...Fearing my mom would be watching the tears just fall, I kept my hair down around my face and attempting to do the best at wiping away tears without being noticed...nothing was said, what a relief! At the end of the service he prayed...prayed for those who were convicted and needed the strength to share their sin that they have named and owned...prayed for those who would be the recipient of such secret...he prayed for me and he prayed for my mom...he didn't know it and my mom didn't know it...I made it out of church with no questions...only one question was asked later that day by my mom....."did you like the sermon?" I simply answered yes, hoping that was all that was going to be asked....today was not the day...Oh I fear the day I have to talk about all this...I hate talking about it with anyone, but it's necessary to let go and move on and I know that....it's all a part of the process I guess....all a part of the process of finding the walk with God that I once had....finding the ability to have healthy relationships with people of my past, present and those in the future by letting go of what's already done.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Single Mom Serenade!
Mother's Day is fast approaching...does every mother wonder how their day is going to be spent? What their kids are going to do for them? Is their husbands going to pull through with a nice "day off" with the kids helping with everything? I'm sure this happens to dads, on Father's day....The slight difference I, and many others, have over other mothers is that there is no husband taking care of things and helping the kids make the day great so mom can have a "day off." Don't get me wrong, I don't have this by choice...I made my bed and this is part of having to lay in it...For a while I was wondering who is going to teach my daughter the value of Mother's Day and Father's Day and at four how is she going to say I want to get this for mommy...not so much of wondering as I was stressing over it...unnecessarily stressing over it...I've not always been a single mom, thankfully I did have a time where I was blessed with the husband and father...it's been a couple years since I have had that so most days I don't think about how lonely it is after Raleigh's asleep, how nice it would be to not be the one cooking or taking the trash out, etc. But last night was different...I was laying there alone, no one to share my day with or watch my favorite show with, and I realized I had mother's day all wrong...Everyday with my child is mother's day...Raleigh doesn't need to buy me something for me to know that she loves me and appreciates me..she already does that...At any moment in my life Raleigh will pick a random flower and say its for me, draw a picture and say its for me, have her dad cut her hair off and then tell me she wanted hers to look like mine...Who's going to teach her about Mother's Day? I will! On the specified "Mother's Day" I will explain to her what it's about and that we are going to go to Church and eat and do fun things with each other...maybe do some crafts or let her play with bubbles and chalk regardless of the temperature and how windy it is...and we will do it together...we will spend it with my mother, her G G and maybe even our friends...So even though this single mom thing can get lonely and stressful and some days I wonder why I put myself in this situation, I will always know that alone I am not for I have Raleigh, stressed I am not because I do have help and Raleigh's personality (most of the time) melts that away...as for my choice in becoming a single mom...well...Raleigh will learn it's less stress on her...So if someone says being a single mom is easy, they are lying...if a married mother says it's easy, well they are lying too...neither way is "easy"...what the heck is "easy" anyways? But however a mother you are, for me it's being a single mom and everyday seeing her makes everything worth it! I love that little girl and this will be the best mother's day yet, because I am realizing what is truly important about this upcoming day, my situation and my family...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Hi I'm Kodi and I'm a.....
Isn't that how all anonymous meetings are started out..."Hi, I'm (insert name) and I'm an addict"....I would say I'm addicted to life's pain...or that's how it feels at times. Addicted to the frustrations of the uncertainty, addicted to heart ache, addicted to all the pain that it is caused because that's when you know you can feel...Oh my history is a colorful one...one that I don't mind speaking about, but out of respect for some family I'll spare the details...I do believe there comes a point in your life when you finally learn from your own life and realize it just wasn't working...time to try something new...however, in the midst of all this is when what one would call a "relapse" can happen...now don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic or drug addict, that's not the case...there are other addictions in life besides those things...just wanted to make that clear...It seemed that I had kept it all together for so long...in fact a good ten years...and even in those years I faced struggles that would bring cause to "relapse." But I never did...so why 6 months ago did my world so suddenly change and my ability to handle such stressors?? I made some choices that will forever affect the way I handle certain things or think about certain things...I was given a chance to make new for myself and learn a huge lesson in wants vs needs, etc....I thought I had it all lined up...just how it was suppose to be...my road no longer winding with huge pot holes, but more straight and smooth with minor speed bumps...I guess I didn't...Causing "relapse"...Today I learned a huge lesson in life...one I've learned a thousand times, but am now accepting...Today I learned, again, not to take things for granted, never settle for anything less than what you want, be happy with the life you live, put God first, what you want is not always what you need, what you need you may not always get the way you want, never take for granted the relationships in your life...I like to tell people that to be a part of my life they have to accept my past because it's a part of me but the truth is....I have to accept my past...I have to overcome my past...my "addiction" needs to be a part of my past not my present or my future...So tomorrow is a new day for me...a day that will mark a new beginning, a new count...when a "relapse" occurs your time starts all over...so even if I had a good ten years, I don't now and I accept that....
Monday, April 11, 2011
Marathon Mind...Forgive Me
It seems here lately I lay down and my mind just races with everything that I need to do...I'm still fairly new to my job and even though it's flexible in the hours, it is definitely non stop. I'm always thinking of things that I need to do...people to e mail or text, places to go, things to look up...All this definitely makes it hard to sleep...the lack of sleep I have been experiencing is just never good...gets you to thinking about other aspects of your life, the choices you've made, the choices you should have made, etc....well it definitely makes me think of some things or shall I say a thing that is constantly haunting me...how do I let go? I'm reminded regularly about a choice that was made...made as a good decision, but........
Talking to someone is an option, I guess...but who do you go to? who do you trust? I know I am not alone in this situation, that someone else may have made the same choice...I wish it could just be forgotten, but that's not how life nor this world operates..."You can't run from your past" people will say...I'm not, but must I be constantly reminded of some things that have happened? I wanna let it go, be done with it, move on....
Will the lack of silence in the silence ever go away?...Will the pictures in a dark room ever disappear?...I know I don't technically ever want to forget you, the choice I made, but I want you to take a sabbatical or something for a minute...give me some space, let me breathe...You, my choice, will always be a part of my life, but God I'm asking that you take my choice out of my dreams, my constant thoughts, etc. Maybe God, you have begun that process by shining light on someone who....I don't know....just thank you...And God, may I work even harder to let this go and give it to you!
Talking to someone is an option, I guess...but who do you go to? who do you trust? I know I am not alone in this situation, that someone else may have made the same choice...I wish it could just be forgotten, but that's not how life nor this world operates..."You can't run from your past" people will say...I'm not, but must I be constantly reminded of some things that have happened? I wanna let it go, be done with it, move on....
Will the lack of silence in the silence ever go away?...Will the pictures in a dark room ever disappear?...I know I don't technically ever want to forget you, the choice I made, but I want you to take a sabbatical or something for a minute...give me some space, let me breathe...You, my choice, will always be a part of my life, but God I'm asking that you take my choice out of my dreams, my constant thoughts, etc. Maybe God, you have begun that process by shining light on someone who....I don't know....just thank you...And God, may I work even harder to let this go and give it to you!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Day Dream Believer....
In an effort to get to know me better I was asked by someone what some of my dreams were...I sat thinking on how I answer that....I quickly start writing back a list of things only to realize I wouldn't consider those dreams but goals...so what are my dreams? Do I have any? In an effort for this person to get to know me better, I ended up learning something new about myself....Everyone has dreams of being famous, making a difference in the world, being rich, etc...but realistically speaking I can't say that I have any...is that just ridiculous??? I have goals aren't those technically more realistic? Goals to finish my bachelors, be the best mom I can be to Raleigh, be a better wife to whoever is brave enough to marry me than I was to Danny, always live within my means, wake up everyday thankful for what I do have, always work hard to obtain things independently...wait I guess I may have a dream or two...my dreams aren't for me though...they are for my child...my hopes and dreams are for my child...that she grow up not experiencing some of the trauma I did, but experiencing some to know that life is not perfect...that she works hard and knows how important she is to everyone....that she never let the words of another person define who she is or what she can accomplish...that she knows she can do anything she puts her mind to so long as her faith in God is strong...that she is never alone in this world....that I am always here....so what are my dreams???? That Raleigh know a life that is not perfect but trusts in the Lord everyday that he will guide her through and provide for her making her life "perfect" for her...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Missing Motivation....
November 9, 2009...weight = 198.50 lbs
April 4, 2011...weight = 157.00 lbs
15 to 20 more lbs to go....just 15 to 20...that should be nothing right? I mean I've dropped 41 pounds in the last year and a half and have kept it off so what's 15 to 20 more????
Missing motivation is the answer....I'm soul searching and soul searching to find that motivation....
Things I've tried:
LA Weight Loss
Doctor's Clinic
Weight Watchers
Endless Fad diet supplements
Metabolic Research Center
What did I learn? Fast results gets you an empty check book, weight lossed until you stop all the supplements then it all comes back plus some...
I finally realized dropping the weight the right way...ya know? Portion control, exercise, no cokes, etc...actually is the best way...
But still....MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU?????
April 4, 2011...weight = 157.00 lbs
15 to 20 more lbs to go....just 15 to 20...that should be nothing right? I mean I've dropped 41 pounds in the last year and a half and have kept it off so what's 15 to 20 more????
Missing motivation is the answer....I'm soul searching and soul searching to find that motivation....
Things I've tried:
LA Weight Loss
Doctor's Clinic
Weight Watchers
Endless Fad diet supplements
Metabolic Research Center
What did I learn? Fast results gets you an empty check book, weight lossed until you stop all the supplements then it all comes back plus some...
I finally realized dropping the weight the right way...ya know? Portion control, exercise, no cokes, etc...actually is the best way...
But still....MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU?????
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