Let Me Let Go...

" And when you begin to want me back...remember YOU let me go."

Lord, I hope this can be followed, I have a thousand things sprinting through my head....I was once told you have to eliminate the negative people in your life and surround yourself with positive Christians...Great idea; however, people aren't always who they seem to be or make themselves out to be...With that being said, I have taken several weeks to pay attention to what my head and my heart are saying.  I have put myself through the ringer, I've put others through the ringer, and others have put me through the ringer.  I am learning that some aspects of my life need to be changed, some things need to be let go of and some people need to be forgiven, including myself...and with that being said I didn't realize that I needed to forgive some people, well a person, and I don't even know if they realize that...We all know that my mistake list is not a short one and we all know that for the most part I'm not quiet about my life and where I've come from and what has taught me my lessons...Someone in my life has repeatedly told me that somethings need to stay private, or don't be real detailed with certain people, or you truly haven't let that go because you get defensive...Come again?  Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for another...Let's get this straight, excuse me while I climb onto my soap box....Some of the things I have done in my past I am over with...excuse me if I get defensive, but I don't take it well when people find the need to judge...so get off your high horse telling me that "I haven't let it go"  There is something I am still dealing with and over the last few weeks I have realized that I need to just forgive myself and forgive the other person that did have a say in it too...I know God forgives me, thank the Lord!  I was going to go talk to someone and see if they can help me forgive myself and forgive that person...That person was going to go with me and then came at me saying if I'm going to bash them they won't go...Seriously?!?  It's not about you!!!  So this got my mind to thinking...Dealing with this on my own is the best way...you didn't involve yourself the first go around so you might as well remove yourself from the second go around.  I've realized I need to make some choices and there are people who need to be removed from my life...some people needed to be added back and some need to stay.  I'm discovering that relationships with my family, my ex husband and a handful of my friends are extremely important.  I am realizing that just because some people are good people they are not good people for me...okay off my soap box and in a nut shell...I'm letting go...I have some really positive people in my life and those people will stay...I love them and they support me for who I am and where I come from...

Birthday Blessings

So today is my birthday...Normally, I talk it up for months and then dread it when it actually gets here...mainly because I get my hopes all up for nothing...lesson learned...this has been the greatest birthday in forever...well since my birthday spent in Oklahoma City...Last night I got to spend shopping with two great girls...my mom and Raleigh...Raleigh got me an awesome shirt that clearly states who I am...She told me to wear it today and then as we were heading out she asked why it wasn't in a birthday bag...LOL...Today, I am sitting at work, barely awake, and I hear..."Kodi, you have a delivery!"  My best friends, Jess and Stephen, surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of my favorite flowers!!  Then a very special person, yes you Jay, took me to Napolis and that is always wonderful...Come back from lunch and some errands and I have yet another delivery...thanks Stephen!  Best friends know you the best!!  I had cupcakes from The Ruffled Cup waiting for me....now just waiting for time to pass so I can go home and have a great dinner with my family...then I get to count down the days until Saturday, because my friends are awesome and we are going to have a great time this weekend...but why is my birthday so great?  Yes because of my wonderful friends and family but even greater blessing happened...My ex husband and I seemed to have found a balance that we have long needed...I continuously pray that we can stay the way we've become...no, we don't find the need to talk all the time, but we are finding a common neutral ground...thanks Danny!!  Really, thank you!

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

"We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way,
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red,
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak; sometimes we're hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we're all the same
We all bleed red."

Oh the cards that have been dealt over the last several days....where did it all begin and where will it all end?  I've wracked my brain, shattered my heart and worn myself out by trying to think about it too much, and fix things that I can not fix.  It's time that I accept the fact that what's done is done and some things just can not be changed and/or fixed.  I made choices based on what my heart and my head told me was the right thing to do.  They were things I prayed about and prayed about...I seeked advice and opinions of others and took time away to get a good look at everything.  Why after all the work I put into making a smart decision for myself do I fight the reality of my decision?  Maybe because I know none of us are perfect, we all deserve a chance....Where I do believe those things are true and will remain true to me I also have to look out for myself.  So I'm no longer doubting my decisions and I am accepting the results of them...good or bad....I was told by someone near and dear to my heart that "some people are in our life for a reason and some for just a season."  This is so true and all though it may be difficult to accept the fact that some are only around for a season, I understand that they are only here temporarily to normally teach me something about my life.  Thanks to those who have just been a season or became just a season and thanks to those who are a reason and have become a reason. 

Freedom

What I saw, maybe other's saw too...but it impacts everyone differently...for me it's a disappointment in my own self..that I disappointed you, let you down, failed you miserably...No one will understand the impact of what I saw has on my heart and my mind and my spirit...people tell me that I am not responsible for the actions of others...and I know in a sense I am not...I'm clinging to the hand of God that he may not drop me down the dark hole I've struggled to climb out of....I've realized over the last several days where my life has been and where it needs to go, but there are still unanswered questions...maybe they will never be answered...no one truly knows but God...just like no one truly knows my heart but God...you may see something when you look deep into my eyes, but they can't tell you everything...they can't explain why my heart breaks the way it does and I why I feel the way I do...The light in my child's eyes and the hope in her smile make a huge difference in the light that shines the doorway of my life...they say when one door closes that another one opens...but we don't always have to like that door being closed...I guess we can fight it tooth and nail but if God wants that door closed then that door is closed....but what if we are in question of a door being open so we close it ourselves?  What then? Trust in the Lord right?  I'm trying...I'm trying to not sacrifice my own self for the happiness of others...I'm trying to not sacrifice my stability to keep another persons foundation solid because after all I can't keep anyone's foundation solid but my own...all I can do is pray for freedom from the ties that hold me to the things that bring me down..pray that God lifts me up and my child that way may see the truth of who is He is and what He wants from and for us.  Trusting that God can be in control of my life is just the process to finding true happiness in all my choices....

Na na na na

People like to tell me that I have to learn not to always be a people pleaser, that I need to learn to put some of my needs and wants before others.  That way my business is taken care of and I feel good about myself and my life...but when I do that I seem to just fail...fail others...and for me, that just is not okay...I would rather come second so that others can come first.  I know all my stuff will fall into place, maybe not as fast, but it will happen...failing others is something that is too tough to live with so it's easier to take care of them first.  My heart aches incredibly when I let others down...I've been trying so hard to rebuild my foundation, making it more solid than it has ever been....I struggle trying to figure out how to do that...one day at a time, by allowing my walk to be hand in hand with God's, by being the best mom I can be, being there for my family and friends...sometimes our lives conflict with each other's...so how do you get past that?  There will always be people in your life who's values, morals, opinions, etc. conflict with your own, but you can't dismiss that person...I guess it may be okay to do that if the person is making negative choices for their life and what not, but what about someone like me who just wants to be there for everyone...be everyone's listener and shoulder to lean on...."You can't change anyone that doesn't want to change"  "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"  all words spoken to me by very smart people...but still, my heart hates giving up on people...

Dirty Confessions

"You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."~Tommy Politz

Five months I've avoided church for a reason that haunts me daily...I even sometimes say I fear being struck down if I walk in the doors, but in all reality I know that literally won't happen.  I fear walking in and the preacher talking about something that will just hit to close to home, which will cause the flood gates to open and I will become flooded with questions of what is wrong, what is going on?  It was Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to go home, to my church, with my family....where Raleigh is suppose to be every Sunday...where I am to be taught how to daily walk with God and be able to teach Raleigh how she is suppose to live her life and represent God.  I kind of figured today's message would be touching a little too close to home, but not as close as it truly did.  Opening message..."You don't feel guilty going to church, you feel convicted."  Oh crap!  How right was my preacher...I feared the guilt but in the end its the conviction I felt the most...Name your sin, Own you sin, Share your sin....That's what we were told next...I sat there fighting the emotion that sat clearly on my sleeve just because today is not the day for questions...my mom leans over and says "You did that!"  Like she was proud of me that I recognized a sin I had committed, I owned it and I shared it and did my best to make ammends with God, my family and a few others.  Proud that I continue to share it and not deny a mistake that changed my life...but there is still that one thing that I've named and I have owned but I do not fully share....He says don't take it to your death bed because then it's too late for the people you tell to actually deal with it.  It was nice to know that mom was happy that I had done that, but it disappointed me that she doesn't know I'm still not done "sharing."  I sat there...very convicted because I'm only half way through the letting go and giving it to God part...Fearing my mom would be watching the tears just fall, I kept my hair down around my face and attempting to do the best at wiping away tears without being noticed...nothing was said, what a relief!  At the end of the service he prayed...prayed for those who were convicted and needed the strength to share their sin that they have named and owned...prayed for those who would be the recipient of such secret...he prayed for me and he prayed for my mom...he didn't know it and my mom didn't know it...I made it out of church with no questions...only one question was asked later that day by my mom....."did you like the sermon?"  I simply answered yes, hoping that was all that was going to be asked....today was not the day...Oh I fear the day I have to talk about all this...I hate talking about it with anyone, but it's necessary to let go and move on and I know that....it's all a part of the process I guess....all a part of the process of finding the walk with God that I once had....finding the ability to have healthy relationships with people of my past, present and those in the future by letting go of what's already done.....

Single Mom Serenade!

Mother's Day is fast approaching...does every mother wonder how their day is going to be spent?  What their kids are going to do for them? Is their husbands going to pull through with a nice "day off" with the kids helping with everything?  I'm sure this happens to dads, on Father's day....The slight difference I, and many others, have over other mothers is that there is no husband taking care of things and helping the kids make the day great so mom can have a "day off."  Don't get me wrong, I don't have this by choice...I made my bed and this is part of having to lay in it...For a while I was wondering who is going to teach my daughter the value of Mother's Day and Father's Day and at four how is she going to say I want to get this for mommy...not so much of wondering as I was stressing over it...unnecessarily stressing over it...I've not always been a single mom, thankfully I did have a time where I was blessed with the husband and father...it's been a couple years since I have had that so most days I don't think about how lonely it is after Raleigh's asleep, how nice it would be to not be the one cooking or taking the trash out, etc.  But last night was different...I was laying there alone, no one to share my day with or watch my favorite show with, and I realized I had mother's day all wrong...Everyday with my child is mother's day...Raleigh doesn't need to buy me something for me to know that she loves me and appreciates me..she already does that...At any moment in my life Raleigh will pick a random flower and say its for me, draw a picture and say its for me, have her dad cut her hair off and then tell me she wanted hers to look like mine...Who's going to teach her about Mother's Day?  I will!  On the specified "Mother's Day" I will explain to her what it's about and that we are going to go to Church and eat and do fun things with each other...maybe do some crafts or let her play with bubbles and chalk regardless of the temperature and how windy it is...and we will do it together...we will spend it with my mother, her G G and maybe even our friends...So even though this single mom thing can get lonely and stressful and some days I wonder why I put myself in this situation, I will always know that alone I am not for I have Raleigh, stressed I am not because I do have help and Raleigh's personality (most of the time) melts that away...as for my choice in becoming a single mom...well...Raleigh will learn it's less stress on her...So if someone says being a single mom is easy, they are lying...if a married mother says it's easy, well they are lying too...neither way is "easy"...what the heck is "easy" anyways?  But however a mother you are, for me it's being a single mom and everyday seeing her makes everything worth it!  I love that little girl and this will be the best mother's day yet, because I am realizing what is truly important about this upcoming day, my situation and my family...