Single Mom Serenade!

Mother's Day is fast approaching...does every mother wonder how their day is going to be spent?  What their kids are going to do for them? Is their husbands going to pull through with a nice "day off" with the kids helping with everything?  I'm sure this happens to dads, on Father's day....The slight difference I, and many others, have over other mothers is that there is no husband taking care of things and helping the kids make the day great so mom can have a "day off."  Don't get me wrong, I don't have this by choice...I made my bed and this is part of having to lay in it...For a while I was wondering who is going to teach my daughter the value of Mother's Day and Father's Day and at four how is she going to say I want to get this for mommy...not so much of wondering as I was stressing over it...unnecessarily stressing over it...I've not always been a single mom, thankfully I did have a time where I was blessed with the husband and father...it's been a couple years since I have had that so most days I don't think about how lonely it is after Raleigh's asleep, how nice it would be to not be the one cooking or taking the trash out, etc.  But last night was different...I was laying there alone, no one to share my day with or watch my favorite show with, and I realized I had mother's day all wrong...Everyday with my child is mother's day...Raleigh doesn't need to buy me something for me to know that she loves me and appreciates me..she already does that...At any moment in my life Raleigh will pick a random flower and say its for me, draw a picture and say its for me, have her dad cut her hair off and then tell me she wanted hers to look like mine...Who's going to teach her about Mother's Day?  I will!  On the specified "Mother's Day" I will explain to her what it's about and that we are going to go to Church and eat and do fun things with each other...maybe do some crafts or let her play with bubbles and chalk regardless of the temperature and how windy it is...and we will do it together...we will spend it with my mother, her G G and maybe even our friends...So even though this single mom thing can get lonely and stressful and some days I wonder why I put myself in this situation, I will always know that alone I am not for I have Raleigh, stressed I am not because I do have help and Raleigh's personality (most of the time) melts that away...as for my choice in becoming a single mom...well...Raleigh will learn it's less stress on her...So if someone says being a single mom is easy, they are lying...if a married mother says it's easy, well they are lying too...neither way is "easy"...what the heck is "easy" anyways?  But however a mother you are, for me it's being a single mom and everyday seeing her makes everything worth it!  I love that little girl and this will be the best mother's day yet, because I am realizing what is truly important about this upcoming day, my situation and my family...

Hi I'm Kodi and I'm a.....

Isn't that how all anonymous meetings are started out..."Hi, I'm (insert name) and I'm an addict"....I would say I'm addicted to life's pain...or that's how it feels at times.  Addicted to the frustrations of the uncertainty, addicted to heart ache, addicted to all the pain that it is caused because that's when you know you can feel...Oh my history is a colorful one...one that I don't mind speaking about, but out of respect for some family I'll spare the details...I do believe there comes a point in your life when you finally learn from your own life and realize it just wasn't working...time to try something new...however, in the midst of all this is when what one would call a "relapse" can happen...now don't go thinking I'm an alcoholic or drug addict, that's not the case...there are other addictions in life besides those things...just wanted to make that clear...It seemed that I had kept it all together for so long...in fact a good ten years...and even in those years I faced struggles that would bring cause to "relapse."  But I never did...so why 6 months ago did my world so suddenly change and my ability to handle such stressors??  I made some choices that will forever affect the way I handle certain things or think about certain things...I was given a chance to make new for myself and learn a huge lesson in wants vs needs, etc....I thought I had it all lined up...just how it was suppose to be...my road no longer winding with huge pot holes, but more straight and smooth with minor speed bumps...I guess I didn't...Causing "relapse"...Today I learned a huge lesson in life...one I've learned a thousand times, but am now accepting...Today I learned, again, not to take things for granted, never settle for anything less than what you want, be happy with the life you live, put God first, what you want is not always what you need, what you need you may not always get the way you want, never take for granted the relationships in your life...I like to tell people that to be a part of my life they have to accept my past because it's a part of me but the truth is....I have to accept my past...I have to overcome my past...my "addiction" needs to be a part of my past not my present or my future...So tomorrow is a new day for me...a day that will mark a new beginning, a new count...when a "relapse" occurs your time starts all over...so even if I had a good ten years, I don't now and I accept that....

Marathon Mind...Forgive Me

It seems here lately I lay down and my mind just races with everything that I need to do...I'm still fairly new to my job and even though it's flexible in the hours, it is definitely non stop.  I'm always thinking of things that I need to do...people to e mail or text, places to go, things to look up...All this definitely makes it hard to sleep...the lack of sleep I have been experiencing is just never good...gets you to thinking about other aspects of your life, the choices you've made, the choices you should have made, etc....well it definitely makes me think of some things or shall I say a thing that is constantly haunting me...how do I let go?  I'm reminded regularly about a choice that was made...made as a good decision, but........
Talking to someone is an option, I guess...but who do you go to? who do you trust? I know I am not alone in this situation, that someone else may have made the same choice...I wish it could just be forgotten, but that's not how life nor this world operates..."You can't run from your past" people will say...I'm not, but must I be constantly reminded of some things that have happened?  I wanna let it go, be done with it, move on....
Will the lack of silence in the silence ever go away?...Will the pictures in a dark room ever disappear?...I know I don't technically ever want to forget you, the choice I made, but I want you to take a sabbatical or something for a minute...give me some space, let me breathe...You, my choice, will always be a part of my life, but God I'm asking that you take my choice out of my dreams, my constant thoughts, etc.  Maybe God, you have begun that process by shining light on someone who....I don't know....just thank you...And God, may I work even harder to let this go and give it to you!

Day Dream Believer....

In an effort to get to know me better I was asked by someone what some of my dreams were...I sat thinking on how I answer that....I quickly start writing back a list of things only to realize I wouldn't consider those dreams but goals...so what are my dreams?  Do I have any?  In an effort for this person to get to know me better, I ended up learning something new about myself....Everyone has dreams of being famous, making a difference in the world, being rich, etc...but realistically speaking I can't say that I have any...is that just ridiculous???  I have goals aren't those technically more realistic?  Goals to finish my bachelors, be the best mom I can be to Raleigh, be a better wife to whoever is brave enough to marry me than I was to Danny, always live within my means, wake up everyday thankful for what I do have, always work hard to obtain things independently...wait I guess I may have a dream or two...my dreams aren't for me though...they are for my child...my hopes and dreams are for my child...that she grow up not experiencing some of the trauma I did, but experiencing some to know that life is not perfect...that she works hard and knows how important she is to everyone....that she never let the words of another person define who she is or what she can accomplish...that she knows she can do anything she puts her mind to so long as her faith in God is strong...that she is never alone in this world....that I am always here....so what are my dreams????  That Raleigh know a life that is not perfect but trusts in the Lord everyday that he will guide her through and provide for her making her life "perfect" for her...

Missing Motivation....

November 9, 2009...weight = 198.50 lbs

April 4, 2011...weight = 157.00 lbs

15 to 20 more lbs to go....just 15 to 20...that should be nothing right?  I mean I've dropped 41 pounds in the last year and a half and have kept it off so what's 15 to 20 more????

Missing motivation is the answer....I'm soul searching and soul searching to find that motivation....

Things I've tried:
LA Weight Loss
Doctor's Clinic
Weight Watchers
Endless Fad diet supplements
Metabolic Research Center

What did I learn?  Fast results gets you an empty check book, weight lossed until you stop all the supplements then it all comes back plus some...

I finally realized dropping the weight the right way...ya know?  Portion control, exercise, no cokes, etc...actually is the best way...

But still....MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU?????

Country Girl Can Survive!

When I got married, Danny was relentless in telling me all the time that I was a "country girl"...you know....like to play in the dirt, etc...Not the type of girl who wants to get dressed up and do "fancy" things...I battled that in my head all time...who was I?  When I left Danny, my dad asked me what was one of my reasons...I told him that one reason is I feel like I either lost who I am or was never able to discover who I am...My dad's response..."You're Raleigh's mom."  I know I am Raleigh's mom, but isn't there more to me than just a mom...I have pondered these thoughts and statements for the last two years....

I think I am figuring it out...Danny did know me best, or shall I say better...I am "country" but I'm one of those people who mingles into whatever class.  I enjoy dressing up and going out, being girly and doing things that those "high society" people do...I just lack the stiffness that most possess...no offense...but I also love being outdoors and getting down and dirty in the mud...I love my crazy family and my crazy friends.  I love where we all come from and would never change our paths that we have all taken...we know how to have a good time...we don't need a fancy bottle of wine, a $80 steak and name brand underwear...we are jeans and t shirt kinda people who don't mind running through a drive through and eating at the river...but we also don't mind getting all fancy and doing the fancy stuff...hey, at least we fit in with whatever crowd we run into!

"Forget your high society, I'm soakin' it in Kerosene
Light 'em up and watch them burn, teach 'em what they need to learn, ha
Dirty hands ain't made for shakin', ain't a rule that ain't worth breakin'
Well I'm givin' up on love 'cause love's given up on me"

"If you're a down home, backwoods redneck,
Hey come on, stand up and raise your glass.
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd,
You can kiss my country ass. Aw yeah!

Well, there's a whole lotta high-class people out there
That's lookin' down on me
Cause the country club where I belong
Is the Honky Tonk till three in the mornin'
Don't wear no fancy clothes
No ties or three piece suits.
You can find me in my camouflage cap
My t-shirt and cowboy boots
If that don't fit your social class
You can kiss my country ass

If you're a down home, backwoods redneck
Hey, come on, stand up and raise your glass
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd
You can kiss my country ass

Well I'm a front-porch sittin',
Guitar pickin', moonshine sippin',
Backer juice spittin' country boy from the woods
And I love fried chicken & blue gill fishin'
And outlaw women, an' I wouldn't change if I could. NO!
I ain't tryin' to start no fight, but I'll finish one every time
So you just mind your own damn business
Stay the hell outta mine.
If you got a problem with that
You can kiss my country ass

I said if you got a problem with any of that
You can kiss my natural born, Redneck to the bone
Ever-lovin' country ass."
 

 No offense...I love you all...my friends come from every back ground and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world...same goes to my family!

Touching on the whole Spiritual Journey...

I just thought I had it all figured out I guess.  Low and behold, I was being blinded by love and didn't really see what was happening...


Nine months ago I was walking beside God everyday.  I was going to church and getting as much from the word as I could...All I wanted was to share my spiritual journey with someone who appreciated it all and had just as much passion for Christ as I did....I found that person, so I thought! 

Nine months later I am broken again and alone.  We shared our passion for Christ for only a short minute, even though at the time I thought it was ongoing...I realized today that nine months ago I broke up with the most important man in my life, God, for someone who never was accepting and understanding of who I am and who my daughter is.  For someone who wanted to be first but not return that emotion...He said he stood for Christ and I know in his heart he does.  But alone, he does.  If this would have happened to me a year ago, I would be miserable and very unsure of what to do with myself...but this all happened after developing such an awesome relationship with my Christ...I may have pushed God aside unknowingly but he has always stayed there with me...

I don't need someone physically beside me for me to be happy...in fact I am more happy without the stress of the other person...I know there is someone out there who does belong at my side and God will find him for me...I am in no rush...Lessons learned from this all!!