Bully....is it really an overused word?

I don't know if it's the time of year, or I have a lot going on, or if what I just read strikes my core; but, as I sit here at my place of business, I couldn't stop crying while reading a post my sister sent me.  "The Bully Too Close to Home" written by a mom who was telling on herself.  She wasn't abusing her child verbally or physically, no name calling, no hitting.  But what about that one form that no one really pays much attention to....emotional....As parents, we often get "too busy" or, knowing as adults it's nothing major, don't take concern for what hurts them when they fall or when things don't go their way.  This mom explained how she had made her schedule so tight that there wasn't even time for her children, oldest especially, to even accidentally trip or take a little longer packing a back pack.  Have you ever scolded your child when in your heart of hearts know what you are scolding them for you probably did yourself as a child or it really isn't something that makes or breaks the law? Have you ever seen the look in their eyes? Their expression change? I don't know if life experience or choices to work in certain career fields has opened my eyes more, or if simply paying attention has done the trick, but I see this all too often.  I, myself, did not come from a broken home.  My parents worked together in their own business, so I had them at hand.  If I was sick or hurting they were there.  If I had a school function or something extracurricular, they were there.  I was lucky enough to be born with high emotion (said extremely sarcastically).  I know my own emotion like the back of my hand and usually can tell just by someone's eyes they are hurting.  I knew as a young child that I wasn't alone in this world.  If I needed someone to talk to I at least had one person somewhere to talk to.  However, my high sense of emotion often triggered extreme anxiety and a large feeling of loneliness.  Like I was in a deep dark tunnel, with no light at the end.  I could be surrounded by laughter and still see and hear nothing.  My point in telling you this is so that you see, I came from what most people would call a "normal" family, but yet I still felt alone.  After a few years, I just threw it all up so to speak.  I told my parents where I was at and through that it didn't change my parents from being my parents, but they, my mom especially, learned that sometimes as a parent you just have to shut your mouth and listen.  We all know as parents that's not what WE think our job is?  By being able just to talk, it also opened my mind and eyes to what others go through and what they might need.  I chose to approach a career path that allowed me to listen.  Working first with adults and then switching to youth.  Seeing that the kids of todays world just need your time.  I have turned down jobs that require me to work weekends away from Raleigh or nights that don't allow me to put my own child to bed.  I now am in a career that I work my own schedule.  Yes, I still have trainings and meeting and the list goes on, but I have chosen to work my pace and what works for my family and I don't have a boss telling me otherwise.  All this brings me to what I've learned with my daughter.  She too was born with high emotion.  As a parent and someone who dealt and deals with this, it's my job to teach her how to handle herself and those around her.  I know there are ways I can approach her and ways I can not, even though YOU may approach your child that way, doesn't mean I can.  At 1 1/2 years old I pulled my child from a two parent home to two one parent homes.  She now was having to deal with repercussions that had nothing to do with her.  Anger, sadness, depression,hate, anxiety...the highs and lows of divorce.  I always thought that she would be fine since I left so early, but I knew she knew...I didn't realize that my child was a high emotion person until she was about two...you want to see a child in tune with emotions, meet mine.  One night I was laying with her...thinking she was a sleep, I quietly cried and her little hand reached over and held mine....at a wedding a song came on a small tears came down my face...she  was in my lap and hugged me saying "I love you momma."  I knew, she truly was my mini me.....my poor child.  Our children watch us, they know our lives revolve around technology...how sad...my six year old should not have to tell me to put my phone away.  I'm the adult, I should know that.  I've seen the frustration of her wanting to play or simply have my full attention and it's else where.  I've seen her trying to be playful with those in our house (living with the parents, thankful, but not always easy), and  it be dismissed or punished or lectured.  You know what my child does...Runs to her bed, face down...not throwing a fit...heartbroken....the last situation, I went in to let her know mommy knew she was trying to play, no harm...she said in her pillow "I just wanted to tell so and so I got on green today." The pain wrenches through me because I know, I understand and the last person I ever want to experience this is...My child...I can't protect my child from everything, but home is her safe place...every child's safe place...remember that....Take a breather when you feel the stress....I refuse to have my daughter be one who feels the need to cower down...She will be a strong little girl, young woman and lady.  She will be confident.  I will do everything I can to teach her how precious and wonderful she is and that she is the biggest gift from God to me.  I know she has a voice and I'm going to teach her how to use it.  People say there is a place and time for children to be seen and heard.  Come again? I'd rather hear my child's stories, laughter, and even tears way more than I want to hear the gossip, drama and issues of the adults around me.  So is bully an overused word? Not necessarily...a bully can come in many forms...I can't walk with my child through the halls of her schools to protect her from those children who bully because they are bullied outside of school, but anytime I can walk with her I will.  

Fly Like a Butterfly...an Orange One!

It's been months since my last post and I'm pretty sure I've covered every topic known to man.  What makes today the day I choose to write again? Today I'm going to fly like a butterfly...an orange one! Months ago I wrote a blog about life's addictions.  Today is similar.  My silence has been kept for years in fear of I'm not quite sure what, but does anyone know what silence gets you? Just that, silence.  It doesn't bring awareness to the fact that so many people, majority being teens, struggle with this.  One in twelve people struggle with self harm.  Did you hear me? ONE IN TWELVE! Think about any teens you know...average about 25 people in their classroom...that's at least 2 kids, not to mention all the adults.  People look at you like your crazy, how can someone do that to themselves they ask.  I ask...how can people over eat? how can people wake up with a drink and go to bed with a drink? how can someone force themselves to throw up? how can you stick something in your body that contains house hold cleaning products and then some? Everyone has different outlets, the question is how healthy are those outlets? Years ago, I sat feeling alone and misunderstood.  I was just a kid, but I was beyond in touch with the reality of my emotions.  The anger, the volitile nature of my outbursts, the sadness....no outlet...so I thought.  I turned to what made me feel better and in an odd (not sick) way pain brought a release.  A release of the burdens that held me down.  For several years I was lost in it...never suicidal...just needed the release of pain and this way no one got hurt but myself.  I rose above for years and then fell short again, because you see, that's the cycle of addiction.  If you don't work a program and don't surround yourself with postive, uplifting and trustworthy people you get lost again.  My downward spiral was a quick learning experience to evaluate the "triggers."  How disturbing of me to let some meaningless trigger be my trigger.  I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I don't need to convince anyone I am, just myself.  I have found those people in my life who understand they will never understand.  I have found those people in my life who have struggled themselves and do understand.  I love my family and friends for this.  Like any addiction, this too, is a daily struggle.  Little things can set off the feelings and emotions, but you, ME, we CHOOSE to rise above.  I've got God on my side and he gave me a voice for the world to hear.  We all get lost and need redirected.  Don't judge a book by it's cover people! I have one heck of a story, just as many other people do.  What a blessing it is when they choose me to share it with.  So today, smile at those who pass, tell those you love how much you appreciate them.  Notice people! Today and every day after I WILL rise above and beat the nature of this beast and I will carry all those who need me with me, because without them, I have no story to share. Today and always....FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY...AN ORANGE ONE!

Just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?

It's just one of those days...not a pitty party kind of day, but just a day of doubt.  My head runs a thousand different directions when it comes to money and how to pay bills.  Then I go to school, which kicks my tail.  I know I'm not dumb, but who am I kidding with the classes I'm taking? Do I really have it in me to succeed onto a different level? I can't pronounce half of those words and I'm expected to take the hardest test of my life in five months....and pass it!! Did I mention the national pass rate is 54%? Yeah, I know....maybe the jokes on me...I have a plan in my head on how I see my life playing out....but most days it feels as if that will never happen.  So I ask...is it just not my time or is it simply just not in my hand of cards?  I have motivation and I have drive...but the direction I need is out of my reach...always...I know what I want and I see what could be mine, but in some aspects of my life, there is only so much I can do on my side of the fence...where to go? what to do? Do I question some things or let them be? Where is this life of mine going?

In My Daughter's Eyes

Well it seems to have been like a million years since my last posting, so this is highly likely to just be a cluster f*** of a blog...Raleigh started kindergarten today...she is so excited about school and I am so excited for her, but it was one of the hardest drop offs ever!  My baby, all grown up!  She is unbelievable smart so I know she will do well and I look forward to her finding a place in this world.  Not only did she start school, I made the decision to go back as well.  So, therefore, today marked my first day of school as well.  I think I was more nervous about it all then Raleigh...actually I know I was.  Anyways, life is constantly changing and staying the same all at once..how does that happen?  My friend sent me a post today telling me how proud she is of how far I've come over the last 2 years...2 years! Wow! Life was so different then and I was struggling beyond explanation.  I have found a happiness that I don't know I believed would ever happen for me, and I know some wish wouldn't happen for me.  I didn't find it alone though.  I walk hand in hand with God everyday to stay steady and my family and friends have supported me all the way.  And my daughter, well hence the song reference..she's my hero...I know she feels what I feel and poor girl is just as emotional as me.  We steady each other at the same time we collide with each other.  Each day I find myself looking towards the future and determining the best ways to prepare for what's in store.  Do I know exactly what's in store?  Well no, but I do see the path God is laying in front of me...Things are changing and ideas and beliefs are changing...I'm learning from my past decisions and my past attitudes..working hard on my patience level, working hard on letting things be on God's time, working hard to not anger easily and to think before I speak.  Working hard to accept that some people will never see my personal growth and to be okay with that.  Learning that I can't continue to let people run my life, or attempt it....Learning that all I can do is keep hoping and praying for people and trusting that one day they'll see me as God sees me and as those who love me see me.  As a person who is trying to better their life for themselves and their child.  As a person who has learned from the past and works daily to let it go and use it as a lesson, not a mistake.  Back to my little one...well we are growing and learning together...we dance in the kitchen, we giggle and play...I teach her and she teaches me...I do see for my future and hers a larger family unit and as we build on that we are going to keep dancing to "her song..."

How do you get writer's block when it's just thoughts?

As a child, running by a fence hitting it with a stick is fun...it makes noise, it irritates the neighbors, it's something you probably shouldn't do, but not so bad you get in severe trouble.  But never as a child would you get that this picture could plague your mind in another way.  Figuratively, as adults this is what we do to agitate the devil on the other side.  I never thought of it this way until here recently.  I'm walking down the path of life with everything seemingly going well.  I have a great job, great relationships, a great child, great family, etc....but I feel myself running down that fence line with my stick stirring the devil on the other side.  You know, the devil who waits for the perfect time where you are vulnerable.  I may be rocking down the path of God, but I still have stressors in my life, which is natural.  Well those stressors scream to the devil that it's perfect time to attempt his sabotage.  My mind here recently has been flooded with thoughts, so many thoughts that I even appear distant to myself.  I thought writing would help but when it came down to it, I had writers block....How in the hell do you get writers block when it's your own thoughts?  I don't know.  Well I've been trucking along this incredible path for sometime now.  And I am loving every minute of it, but if you think I don't still have struggles, well then you are highly mistaken.  Everyone needs to remember that the devil knows our biggest fears and weaknesses, and he will play on those things when you hit even the smallest of bumps on your road of life.  I feel one of my greatest strengths is probably one of my biggest faults.  I am a planner.  I like to have my life mapped out several months in advance.  Well when it comes to money, children, love, etc. that seems damn near impossible.  As much as I want to know exactly what I'm going to do with my child over the summer and for the next school year, because I feel I should have that finalized by now, I can't.  With an upcoming financial change I don't know exactly what I can do and until I hear from other people I'm on hold in those departments.  Letting the ball be in other people's courts is the worst thing for a planner.  I don't like asking for help...who does?  I will bend over backwards to make things work for my child and everyone else who matters to me.  But at the end of the day, no one goes to bed with my thoughts but me.  Alone with my thoughts, my worries, my concerns.  I mastered the "smile and nod" technique years ago.  But pay attention to my voice.  Pay attention to my eyes.  Maybe my voice is not so peppy...do I look at you when we talk? Or when you ask if everything is going good?  I will spend my days with pen to paper, calculating every possible scenario before I speak up.  Again, don't get me wrong....I'm unbelievably happy with my life.  God has blessed me beyond words.  I received a text today stating "it's a new day."  What that meant to that person meant much more to me.  It is a new day, another day I made it.  I'm weeks away from turning 27, and though that is young to most, it isn't for me.  I love hearing older people say..."Don't rush it." "You're only 27." "You still have plenty of time." Blah blah blah...I'm turning 27, I'm a single mom to an almost 5 year old.  I have been married, I have been divorced.  I think sometimes people forget just exactly where I have been, where I want to go.  Almost 27 or not I do know what I see for myself and in my book I'm not rushing it anymore...I was rushing it ten years ago.  Again, alone in my thoughts.

Hear me roar!

So I'm gonna say this once and only once!  There are people in my life who have been removed from my network of friends for reasons that give me a healthier lifestyle.  There are people in my life that I have put at a distance to allow me to maintain sanity.  If I'm not friends with someone anymore it's for good reason.  Maybe they won't just grow up and work a real job like a responsible adult.  Maybe they don't know how to keep it in their marriage and expect me to be okay with it given my past, and expect to continue to make the same mistake over and over again...and just maybe they didn't like it when they realized I learned from my mistakes and don't want any part of it.  Maybe I distance myself from people because they tell lie after lie, so much in fact that they can't keep up with all their stories...then they have to create situations for themselves just to keep up with the people around them...good or bad...Do you ever think that maybe the bad things are happening to us because we are making crappy decisions?  Who wants that kind of attention?  Do you ever think that the good things are happening to us because we have finally learned, or are at least trying to learn, how to turn things over to God and let things happen according to his timing? Why can't people just be happy for other people and not have to try to make up something for themselves?  What about those people who have to share your business with every man, woman, child and dog just so they can look like a "good friend" for being there etc.  My business is my business and it's my business to share it...not yours!  Don't you think when you say, "hope you didn't mind me telling so and so that..." that my "yeah that's fine" answer is only because what damn difference does it make now?!?  And listen, if I'm not friends with someone anymore, again for good reason, I don't need to be kept in the know of what the heck is going on with them....I DON'T CARE!  People have questioned my friendships to people, especially those that I keep at a distance...my answer to them is that I hope one day said person(s) will get the fact that they really do have a good friend in me, mainly because I stick by while they shove me under the bus on a very regular basis.  With that being said, I'm on the verge of throwing my hands up in the air with those "friends kept a distance" because the constant lies and phone calls just to give me a heads up on people I don't care to talk about anymore are just becoming too much and a bit ridiculous.  Enough is enough!  I don't think it really matters what you have been through with a person, hell my best friend of 20 plus years, who I'm no longer friends with, had and still has no problem running her mouth so.....my past is my past keep it out of your mouth unless I need to talk about it...

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will make your paths straight."

It's December? Oh crap, where did this year go?  Each year I think about all the stuff that has gone on, lessons learned and how on earth I could possibly make it through another year if it was as crazy as the last...well with each passing year, I discover that all though my years are pretty different they all are very much the same...Every day I wake up and go to work, now I have a different job, but it's work all the same...every day I spend with Raleigh, she changes every day, but she's my daughter just the same...I talk to my family and see them when I can which is no different from any other year...I see my friends, I take vacations, I meet new people, I quit talking to some....then I may start talking to them again, only to later again not talk to them any more..So really my every day life is no different...I get up, I can breath, I can walk, talk and eat...I can see the people I love, I get to work and pay the bills...it's the emotional aspect of my life, my spiritual aspect of life, my increasing knowledge of life, my health....those are the things that differ from year to year...This year, if I were to go back a year almost to the exact day, was rough...I was saying good bye to certain things and my heart was truly not at peace...breaking each moment for I knew I was not right in my doings and not right in my walk with God, which for me only led to an increase of internal anger.  However, I look back now and realized I made it through...with heart ache, yes but I didn't die....I learned some very powerful lessons and if anything it made me have a come to Jesus meeting with some things....the new year began and my personal life began to change...I thought for the better...quickly I realized, not so much...struggles from the past came slapping me in the face and I knew at that moment the best decision for me was to run and run like the wind from all of it...Certain people had to be removed totally and some just pushed far enough away that when they fell they didn't take me down with them...About half way through the year I was finding peace, finding my way back off the rocky path of the past...On the way, I lost my best friend of 20 plus years...wasn't easy, but they made their choices and I made mine, and for my walk with God to be where I want it to be the friendship needed to be severed.  God knew what he was doing then because in a very short amount of time he placed a person in my life that would forever change my friendships...God knew I needed a trust worthy friend who was upfront and honest with me, but didn't fight over the petty stuff...She became my best friend quicker then I could blink...Hell, she's more like a sister to me!  A true friendship that I value so much and that I needed so much.  She has heard my story and I have heard hers and we, daily, walk by each other in support and appreciation for what we know and have been through and what we continue to learn.  I'm ending my year in a place that I have longed to be...in a place that I once tried to convince myself I was in, but I knew wasn't true...a true place of happiness and peace.  My heart no longer aches of loneliness nor does hurt from the rejection...Someone has came into my life that truly fits my "needs" and goes above and beyond my "wants." My heart is at peace with my family...Raleigh and I continue to grow together and learn from each other...my friends, even though there are few, are the exact ones I need in my life and want in my life...my health is on the uphill track of being where I have longed for it to be...my walk with God?  Well after many heated arguments with the Man upstairs, I have found my understanding and my forgiveness and look forward to continuing my walk with Him and making it stronger....sharing my love for His word with my child, my family, my friends and strangers I meet....God is good and patience goes a long way....
.......I knew I would meet you and was very excited about it, but in my heart I wasn't really looking...I found you unexpectedly and wouldn't change what we now have for anything.  You are the answer to my prayers!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

So as we roll into another holiday season it never fails that life just gets bumpy.  I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, but it just seems that today and the few days passed life decided to wake me up a crappy hand.  I have separated from a family unit for sometime...this being my 3rd round of holidays where tradition is now totally different.  It never is easy, but some things just make it worse.  Now, it's not my sole decision to blast certain things about my life on the internet for the sake of my family, but we all know I am not perfect.  Well today, someone who I deal with regularly out of necessity jumped my case for his own pleasure.  I know this time of year probably isn't his favorite too, but we have to make the best of it...or at least try...well after being reamed I lost it like always.  What it boils down to is this person will never know how much I love them still and how much I care.  How much I just want them to be happy and how much I truly do appreciate everything they do for me and my child.  The person will never know the sense of guilt I wake up with every day and face every day.  And that each and every day is a new day for me to overcome such guilt.  A lot of people in my position have no guilt or remorse for certain decisions and those people make those of us who do have remorse and guilt pay dearly.  What not everyone seems to understand is that everyone is different and everyone makes mistakes...and everyone pays for it in their own time...and some of us actually kick ourselves in the butt regularly for choices we have made.  I just wanted to find happiness in life...that was the only reason why my choice was made...the mistake I made in the process makes that seem differently and I hate that...however, I can't spend the rest of my life proving to said person that I am sorry a million times over and I battle guilt and shame everyday...because everyday there is a reminder that the mistake I made was huge and inconsiderate...I always try to learn from my mistakes and I truly and honestly feel that I have...I can't force that person to see that...said person has to in their own time and their own way...I will rise above this and not let it tear me down each and every time I get jumped on...but being torn down to me is prove enough that there is a heart deep within me and that the blood it's pumping is not ice cold......I do my best, which some days I suck at, but I try not to throw people's lives in their face...after all it's our own lives and we make our own choices and we live with those choices and it is our own choice to learn from it or not...My life does not need to be thrown in my face to remember where I've been, where I come from and where I am...I know all on my own just what my path has been....One thing I know for sure is never say never, that I will always love and care for said person for more than one reason, that Raleigh is my life and I do everything I can to give her everything she needs and to have a good life without over spoiling her and that I will always remember where I come from and I will always be the one to kick my own butt...I need no help in that department, but thanks for making the offer...Just remember all who read this or all who don't....as soon as you point the finger at me, you're right I may be guilty of something, but so are you, as those three fingers are pointing back at you.....just some food for thought...

"If you didn't need a pill to get fat, why would you need one to get unfat? "

I know this pictures is crooked, but hopefully by the end of this blog you will get my point...at least I hope...This picture was taken at my heaviest...Awhile back I had posted about my weight loss journey and where I started...which by the way, posting my heaviest weight on a public site is never the easiest thing to do.....anyways...I started out my journey weighing in at 198.5 on November 9, 2009, wearing an extra large in shirts and size 16 in pants...awful I know.  We all know I tried every fad diet under the sun which I always ended up bailing on.  I never was one who enjoyed working out...in fact, my main form of exercise was maybe climbing the stairs at my parents or leaning over to grab the remote off the coffee table.   That's the honest truth!  Come January 2010 I had probably shed around 20 pounds and kept going until I had reached about thirty pounds lost.  After that, the only time I paid much attention to my weight was if I had to weigh at the doctor's office.  I was noticing that even though I was yet to reach my goal weight, I was still maintaining the weight I had lost.  That by itself was a big accomplishment...Then around August, my best friend and I decided we would look into a work out routine that we enjoyed...and we all know our favorite thing to do is...dance!!  So we found a place that held Zumba classes and we fell in love...In fact, we loved it so much that we figured why not get paid to do it so now we are Certified Zumba Instructors!  So about a month into Zumba I knew I was doing better but not doing as good as I could be in the weight loss department.  So my best friend and I talked about it and decided we would commit to weight watchers.  We have been going strong with the program for about six weeks and I am happy to announce that two years later I am a size 8, not 16, and my weight as of today is 152.2 for a total weight loss of......46.3 pounds!  I still have a few more pounds to go to reach my goal, but every day I am one step closer!  Look at me now!

"Every time you get angry, you poison your own system."

There comes a point in life when you should ask yourself if you have been angry long enough and if you remember why you are so angry in the first place.  If you are to the point that you can't even pin point the exact origin of said anger then being angry for long enough has been way too long....but if you can answer that and recognize what needs to be done then do it!  That doesn't say you necessarily are letting go of the situation but that you are letting go enough that you are bound by it any longer...I realized last October I was becoming very angry with the situation I was in, but wanted to fight to stay there thinking that would go away....come December things only took a turn for the worse; however, I didn't realize that December would only make the anger worse until months later....February came and life dropped an even bigger bomb shell and that is when I truly discovered how angry I was...which is somewhere I haven't been in a long time and for good reason....A couple months went by and I felt better because I worked through the issue and thought it was resolved....never to be seen again...WRONG!  The situation came back because I let the originator back in.....I battled what all of it meant for several months, trying to decide if it was worth the battle or not....Was I learning a lesson in this at all?  Was this consuming to much of my life?  Was this turning me back into someone I don't want to be?  Yes, Yes, and Yes!  Over the last two months I soul searched while maintaining the originator on a decent leash that wasn't too close but wasn't so far away that it was gone...Here recently I have discovered that I just keep letting the leash out and I don't miss it....If I was suppose to be in "that spot" then I would miss it, but I just don't....Here over the last week or so I have decided that happiness is what I want back...not the stress of the anger and the originator....I was beginning to make things into something they weren't, care about things that in all reality I could care less about, etc.  So I am doing me and answering the questions from the beginning of this post....Have I been angry long enough?  Too long!  Can I remember the point of origin?  Absolutely, I will never forget it and for good reason....I don't want to make the same mistake over and over again....I won't let it go because there is something to learn from it all, but I will let it go in the sense that I will no longer hold the leash of the originator so that those angering situations will be a thing of the past....I have discovered great friends, an ability to take care of myself and enjoy it, some one(s) that want to talk to me and let me be me and love me for who I am in all my craziness!  Normally I battle my decision forever, but not this one....this is the right one for me!

Tears that fall....

Hiding behind a smile is what I do best....most days.  No one sees what happens when I'm laying in bed in the quiet not talking to anyone.  And I even do my best to hide the tears over the phone.  The battle between my heart and head is always constant, daily battling each other over every life matter.  What is right?  What is wrong? Turn left or turn right? Eat that? Don't eat that! Buy this or not?  Stay or go?  On and on and on and on.....The skeletons in my closet, even though most are not hidden away from the world, are busting through the door weighing heavy on my heart and heavy on my mind.  I have a story to tell and I try to tell it when I can, but in the process you get those who are family etc who don't want others to know just really how messed up you are and those who just think you are full of shit and that your story would never compare to theirs.  By the way, I don't want to compare to "your" story, mine's sick enough!  Then even though I wanna say everything, I can't because some people don't know everything, mainly out of protection of their own mind.  Then you meet the new people and you have decide just how soon you share your story.  Some say certain things are better left unsaid, some say wait until you "really know someone"....by the way what the hell does that mean?....Others say the past is the past and don't dwell on it....I don't dwell on my past, I just know that my past is what has taught me so many lessons in life and without the learning experience my world would be so different...so as decisions of life haunt me so does my story.....

There's a random post for you....welcome to my brain!

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

So I guess the new thing for people is having a bucket list...I guess I've always had one but now I'm going to put on paper (well the computer/modern day paper)....This will for sure be an ever changing post.  I will even jot down the items that were on there, that I have already accomplished...

My Bucket List:

1. See a NFL game.........Check
2. Attend a Nascar race
3. Attend a National Hockey League game
4. Go to New York and see a broadway show
5. Own a wolf
6. See Canada...............Check
7. Zip line through a rain forest somewhere like Hawaii
8. Write my name in the sand of beach other than the gulf...............check
9. Take a cruise...even though I'm terrified of boats
10. Go to Alaska
11. Go to a foreign country...maybe somewhere in Europe or Australia..maybe Paris, Scotland or anywhere
12. Go back to Washington DC with my little girl
13. Take Raleigh to Disney World
14. Share my story with a group of people
15. Go back to college-get my bachelors
16. Build my own house
17. Be able to give back to those who need it more
18. Lose my last 25 pounds and keep it off!
19. Run a marathon
20. Visit Carlo's Bakery
21. Take time to hear and note the story of the grandparents I have left
22. Leave a story of triumph over tribulation where in the end my daughter was raised to the best of my ability and I can leave happy with where my life went.

I'm sure this list will lengthen over time...some things are big, some things are not, but they are my things!

"Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child." ~ Mary MacCracken

It came in the mail today....the "Back to School Night" reminder...Again, I hoped for this day and still, as excited as I am for Raleigh, I dread this day....By mid-August my child will no longer be my little Monkey running around, she will be my big Monkey walking off with back pack in hand to a world she's unfamiliar with...a world that she will spend the next several years in...Maybe my biggest fear is how much I hated school and how cruel kids were ten plus years ago...In my line of work, I get to see just how much more cruel kids are today...oh the fear!  The fear that it could be my kid getting bullied, or even being the bully...I pray for neither and though the title quote says to be honest, this year the honesty of my excitement will shine through, but the honesty of my fears will stay hidden.  This is not the time to show my child my fears for her, she's too excited about becoming a "big girl getting to carry her big girl back pack."  I know I'm not the only mom out there, and mom's with kids in school will tell me it will be okay...I'm sure it will, but I can't help but want to draw closer to her keeping her mommy's little girl for the next 15 days and thereafter when I can get away with it.  So from today until the 17th, we are going to swim, ride bikes, play at the park, feed the ducks, watch Tangled, color pictures, play mom and sister or mom and babysitter and without her even knowing I'm going to be soaking all of it in because before long we'll be doing homework together, going to sporting events, dances, etc.  She'll always be mommy's little monkey regardless of her age and school status, but I'm no fool...the older she gets the less she will want everyone to know that...even if she loves me to the moon and back and then some!

"What the daughter does, the mother did." ~Jewish Proverb

The time is coming.....a time that I was so excited to see, but now fear the most.  My daughter, the light of my life and my rock, will be four Sunday.  Where has time gone?  I remember the first few days of her life.  Just rocking her and feeding her.  Laughing to her giggle in her sleep and intently listening to every coo.  Those days I prayed for the days she was to transfer from formula to milk and from diapers to toilet.  With the milk days came the words...words, words and more words....and her walking skills.  After that came the toilet days, the table food and SENTENCES!!  I would laugh at how words came out and work with her on how to say things correctly.  So thankful and impressed with how knowledgable she was and how fast she potty trained.  The check book was thankful too.  Then I grew with excitement for the days she wanted to pick out her own clothes, to show her sense of style, and Lord, her first day of school!  What could be more exciting.  Now with my little monkey, who is over half my height already, is nearing four which means school starts in exactly a month from her birthday.  I'm elated that now I will get to see and hear all the things she is learning.  After all, she can spell her name and just almost write her name on her own.  She is non stop talking and quoting songs, etc.  I can't help but now be sad and fear.  Sad that she isn't the tiny little baby rocking in my arms depending on me to bathe her, pick out her clothes and figure out her needs.  Fear that with school all sorts of new experiences will arise...good and bad, the bad I fear so much.  Now she picks out her own clothes, which is always interesting, and the imagination and creativity my child possess' is beyond my wildest dreams.  She still cuddles with me and loves me like I need her too, but she has also developed some independence.  She is so tiny to me and to envision this little one standing in the lunch line making choices without my help among other things makes me sad, scared and excited.  My little monkey is just growing up.  Words that she couldn't pronounce right she can now clearly speak.  Where has time gone?  I will continue asking for the rest of my life.  I pray that as my daughter turns four and as she begins school she will learn and grow into a beautiful, smart and wise woman who follows the path God has laid out for her.  I guess I just never knew how scary this really could be.   

Fear Not For He Is With You....

I've decided to put myself on a journey.  A journey in which I need to take...this journey is helping me move past some unnecessary decisions I made in the past and better my relationships with people.  God has re-opened a door in my life, that a first I was hesitant to even peek through because of what has happened in the past...but how fair is that?  The past was a journey, an unforgettable one at that.  I needed this door to re-open so that I could work on some things that happened otherwise any relationship I have would most likely fail.  The door re-opening has advanced my relationship with God in ways that I unexpected.  I'm learning things about myself and how life should be lived as a woman of God.  I'm so lucky that I have supportive people standing beside me.  I've only been walking on this path for a few weeks and it has been exciting thus far.  I've realized that my heart still sits where I placed it just over a year ago, and I like it there.  Most days it scares me, but deep inside I know it's right. 

Let Me Let Go...

" And when you begin to want me back...remember YOU let me go."

Lord, I hope this can be followed, I have a thousand things sprinting through my head....I was once told you have to eliminate the negative people in your life and surround yourself with positive Christians...Great idea; however, people aren't always who they seem to be or make themselves out to be...With that being said, I have taken several weeks to pay attention to what my head and my heart are saying.  I have put myself through the ringer, I've put others through the ringer, and others have put me through the ringer.  I am learning that some aspects of my life need to be changed, some things need to be let go of and some people need to be forgiven, including myself...and with that being said I didn't realize that I needed to forgive some people, well a person, and I don't even know if they realize that...We all know that my mistake list is not a short one and we all know that for the most part I'm not quiet about my life and where I've come from and what has taught me my lessons...Someone in my life has repeatedly told me that somethings need to stay private, or don't be real detailed with certain people, or you truly haven't let that go because you get defensive...Come again?  Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for another...Let's get this straight, excuse me while I climb onto my soap box....Some of the things I have done in my past I am over with...excuse me if I get defensive, but I don't take it well when people find the need to judge...so get off your high horse telling me that "I haven't let it go"  There is something I am still dealing with and over the last few weeks I have realized that I need to just forgive myself and forgive the other person that did have a say in it too...I know God forgives me, thank the Lord!  I was going to go talk to someone and see if they can help me forgive myself and forgive that person...That person was going to go with me and then came at me saying if I'm going to bash them they won't go...Seriously?!?  It's not about you!!!  So this got my mind to thinking...Dealing with this on my own is the best way...you didn't involve yourself the first go around so you might as well remove yourself from the second go around.  I've realized I need to make some choices and there are people who need to be removed from my life...some people needed to be added back and some need to stay.  I'm discovering that relationships with my family, my ex husband and a handful of my friends are extremely important.  I am realizing that just because some people are good people they are not good people for me...okay off my soap box and in a nut shell...I'm letting go...I have some really positive people in my life and those people will stay...I love them and they support me for who I am and where I come from...

Birthday Blessings

So today is my birthday...Normally, I talk it up for months and then dread it when it actually gets here...mainly because I get my hopes all up for nothing...lesson learned...this has been the greatest birthday in forever...well since my birthday spent in Oklahoma City...Last night I got to spend shopping with two great girls...my mom and Raleigh...Raleigh got me an awesome shirt that clearly states who I am...She told me to wear it today and then as we were heading out she asked why it wasn't in a birthday bag...LOL...Today, I am sitting at work, barely awake, and I hear..."Kodi, you have a delivery!"  My best friends, Jess and Stephen, surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of my favorite flowers!!  Then a very special person, yes you Jay, took me to Napolis and that is always wonderful...Come back from lunch and some errands and I have yet another delivery...thanks Stephen!  Best friends know you the best!!  I had cupcakes from The Ruffled Cup waiting for me....now just waiting for time to pass so I can go home and have a great dinner with my family...then I get to count down the days until Saturday, because my friends are awesome and we are going to have a great time this weekend...but why is my birthday so great?  Yes because of my wonderful friends and family but even greater blessing happened...My ex husband and I seemed to have found a balance that we have long needed...I continuously pray that we can stay the way we've become...no, we don't find the need to talk all the time, but we are finding a common neutral ground...thanks Danny!!  Really, thank you!

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

"We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way,
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red,
Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak; sometimes we're hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we're all the same
We all bleed red."

Oh the cards that have been dealt over the last several days....where did it all begin and where will it all end?  I've wracked my brain, shattered my heart and worn myself out by trying to think about it too much, and fix things that I can not fix.  It's time that I accept the fact that what's done is done and some things just can not be changed and/or fixed.  I made choices based on what my heart and my head told me was the right thing to do.  They were things I prayed about and prayed about...I seeked advice and opinions of others and took time away to get a good look at everything.  Why after all the work I put into making a smart decision for myself do I fight the reality of my decision?  Maybe because I know none of us are perfect, we all deserve a chance....Where I do believe those things are true and will remain true to me I also have to look out for myself.  So I'm no longer doubting my decisions and I am accepting the results of them...good or bad....I was told by someone near and dear to my heart that "some people are in our life for a reason and some for just a season."  This is so true and all though it may be difficult to accept the fact that some are only around for a season, I understand that they are only here temporarily to normally teach me something about my life.  Thanks to those who have just been a season or became just a season and thanks to those who are a reason and have become a reason. 

Freedom

What I saw, maybe other's saw too...but it impacts everyone differently...for me it's a disappointment in my own self..that I disappointed you, let you down, failed you miserably...No one will understand the impact of what I saw has on my heart and my mind and my spirit...people tell me that I am not responsible for the actions of others...and I know in a sense I am not...I'm clinging to the hand of God that he may not drop me down the dark hole I've struggled to climb out of....I've realized over the last several days where my life has been and where it needs to go, but there are still unanswered questions...maybe they will never be answered...no one truly knows but God...just like no one truly knows my heart but God...you may see something when you look deep into my eyes, but they can't tell you everything...they can't explain why my heart breaks the way it does and I why I feel the way I do...The light in my child's eyes and the hope in her smile make a huge difference in the light that shines the doorway of my life...they say when one door closes that another one opens...but we don't always have to like that door being closed...I guess we can fight it tooth and nail but if God wants that door closed then that door is closed....but what if we are in question of a door being open so we close it ourselves?  What then? Trust in the Lord right?  I'm trying...I'm trying to not sacrifice my own self for the happiness of others...I'm trying to not sacrifice my stability to keep another persons foundation solid because after all I can't keep anyone's foundation solid but my own...all I can do is pray for freedom from the ties that hold me to the things that bring me down..pray that God lifts me up and my child that way may see the truth of who is He is and what He wants from and for us.  Trusting that God can be in control of my life is just the process to finding true happiness in all my choices....

Na na na na

People like to tell me that I have to learn not to always be a people pleaser, that I need to learn to put some of my needs and wants before others.  That way my business is taken care of and I feel good about myself and my life...but when I do that I seem to just fail...fail others...and for me, that just is not okay...I would rather come second so that others can come first.  I know all my stuff will fall into place, maybe not as fast, but it will happen...failing others is something that is too tough to live with so it's easier to take care of them first.  My heart aches incredibly when I let others down...I've been trying so hard to rebuild my foundation, making it more solid than it has ever been....I struggle trying to figure out how to do that...one day at a time, by allowing my walk to be hand in hand with God's, by being the best mom I can be, being there for my family and friends...sometimes our lives conflict with each other's...so how do you get past that?  There will always be people in your life who's values, morals, opinions, etc. conflict with your own, but you can't dismiss that person...I guess it may be okay to do that if the person is making negative choices for their life and what not, but what about someone like me who just wants to be there for everyone...be everyone's listener and shoulder to lean on...."You can't change anyone that doesn't want to change"  "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"  all words spoken to me by very smart people...but still, my heart hates giving up on people...